Hogwarts Reads Becoming Female REPOST
by RandomReposter66
Summary: This hilarious reading of the awful fanfic "Becoming Female" was deleted, so now I'm reposting it. Neither the original fanfic nor the commentary fic are mine!
1. Chapter 1

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

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"All right, listen up!" Dolores Umbridge roared to the Great Hall. "I have found a document that, should the Ministry's belief be correct, will expose the corruption in this school!"

Students watched with interest. The teachers looked nervous. The only one who seemed indifferent to the announcement was Dumbledore, who was playing with a ball of yarn. What secrets could they be about to learn?

"I dont own hp cuz I'm not rich," Umbridge read darkly, "No flames, but tell me if you think Draco is a bit OOC cuz my sister thought he was acting a bit weird."

The students now looked on in confusion. What was_ that_ all about? "Professor Umbridge, can you reread that sentence?" Hermione suggested.

"Fine. It clearly states 'I dont own hp cuz I'm not rich. No flames, but tell me if you think Draco is a bit OOC cuz my sister thought he was acting a bit weird.'" Umbridge repeated, "The document is titled_ Becoming Female_ by_ Venus god_."

Nobody responded. It still made no sense. In fact, it made less sense.

"I am almost certain that one of our students wrote this!" Umbridge speculated, "But, I have yet to find solid proof. But when I do…" she began cackling viciously.

"Would you like a cough drop, Dolores?" Minerva McGonagall asked. She knew damn well Umbridge was having a sinister laugh, but she didn't want to panic the students.

"No, thank you Minerva," Umbridge said in a disgusting tone of obviously false joy, "Here is the first chapter:

**"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, POTTER!" yelled Snape.**

**"I'M MAKING A POTION, YOU GREASY BASTARD!" I yelled back.**

"That's a complete lie," Harry protested, "I've never spoken that way in potions!"

"Aha!" Umbridge roared in triumph, ignoring Harry's plea, "harassing teachers, Potter? Well then, I suppose that's of enough ground to expel you from Hogwarts!"

"Actually, Dolores," Snape piped up, "though I loathe the idea of missing a chance of banish Potter from the castle, I must confess I have no recollection of such a meltdown occurring in my classroom. After all, who among them would_ dare_ speak to me like that?"

Dolores stared at the potions master in hatred. "That doesn't mean it didn't happen, Severus-"

"I suggest," Dumbledore interrupted gently, continuing to knit, "that we poll the students. Does anybody who takes potions recall this event?"

Hands shot up.

"Excluding Slytherin's." Dumbledore clarified in impatience.

No hands remained.

"I think it would be safe to this did_ not_ happen, Dolores. Shall we carry on?"

If it were anybody but Albus Dumbledore, Umbridge would have strangled them to a slow, painful torturous death at that very moment. But nonetheless she continued reading.

**"How DARE you call me that, you inferior student!" complained Snape. "That's TWO POINTS from Gryffindor!"**

**"No, sir, please!" I begged.**

Now _that_ was far more believable-until a mere two points were taken off._ Two points, _Severus thought in shock;_ at the least I always take five._ Several yards away, Harry Potter Hermione Granger was in deep thought, wondering if any teacher had ever taken or given less than five points. Harry could not remember that ever happening, and based on her rare silence neither could Hermione.

**"Keep going and it'll be ALL THREE POINTS!" threatened Snape. Gryffindor had been down to three points and now we only had one left.**

Snape could help but give a cold grin. The idea of robbing Gryffindor of every single point it has was a pleasure like no other. He had never done so, but one of these days…

"…And I have taught here for thirty-nine years!" McGonagall protested.

Umbridge gave an unwilling sigh. "Very well, Minerva, I must concede your point. But that doesn't necessarily indicate that the account is pure fiction. The author seems to have spent enough time around our potions master to understand his personality. Surely there might be more."

McGonagall was about to protest, but the toad continued to read.

**Draco Malfoy smirked at me. He was the hottest guy in school and all the girls wanted him, but I was a boy and not gay so we couldn't be together.**

Uproarious laughter came from the students while the staff stared in shock.

"Never knew you felt that way, Potter," Malfoy taunted, "should we meet at the Hogs Head together?"

"Mr. Potter, did you write this story?" Umbridge asked.

"No, Professor," said Harry quickly. He was hardly getting sympathy from Gryffindor; Ron, Ginny and even Neville were laughing to the point of tears. Hermione was merely looking down at her empty plate, pretending nothing had happened.

**"Have you all finished your Acorn Potions?" asked Snape angrily. "If they're done right, pouring them over random objects should turn them into acorns. If they're done wrong, they'll cause you to pass out and thenpermanently change gender forever."**

McGonagall snorted at the mediocrity of the writing. "As if the terms 'permanently' and 'forever' don't have the same definition."

_Acorn Potions?_ Severus had never heard such nonsense. He was fairly certain there were no potions that involved acorns.

"M'ione, can potions really change gender?" asked Ron asked quietly. He was wondering if this might be the reason his Great-Aunt Muriel was so _eccentric_.

"Of course not, Ronald," Hermione responded, "No magic can bring back the dead nor change gender. Honestly, I'm starting to think this whole thing is a prank."

Upon hearing these words, Umbridge glared at the Weasley twins. "We didn't write it," Fred said quickly, "if we had, we'd have charged for it.

**"I think you should test Potter's," said Draco, his gray eyes glinting.**

**"An excellent idea, Draco!" said Snape buoyantly. "Potter, drink your potion."**

**"But I thought we were supposed to -"**

**"Drink it now or I'll take one point from Gryffindor!" emitted Snape loudly.**

**I drowned a cup of the potion and promptly fell unconscious!**

"Hermione-" Ron started.

"-no, Ronald, you usually can't drown in potions, with the exception to Lava Maximums." An eye-rolling Hermione Granger responded.

"Five points to Gryffindor." McGonagall said proudly.

"Five points_ from_ Gryffindor," Snape countered, "as whoever wrote this undoubtedly is in that house.

**I woke up in the infirmary with all my friends gathered around me.**

**"Harry, you're all right!" Ginny explained.**

**"Yeah, but I feel different," I said.**

**"You've, well, changed," said Hermione in a small voice.**

Hermione and Ginny froze. _They_ were in this story to.

"Good lord, this dialogue is atrocious!" Cho Chang observed. "'Harry, you're different' 'yeah, I feel different'. I mean really! Whoever wrote this can't really be in Hogwarts!"

Harry's heart leap in excitement. Cho thought it was nonsense. She believed him! Half the school must be thinking he wrote this garbage, but she didn't. _Does this mean she likes me?_

**"What do you mean?" I asked. Ginny passed me a hand mirror and I looked into it.**

**A perfectly tanned picture of feminine beauty stared back at me! I was thin enough to be anorexic with D-cups and curves in all the right places! My black hair was long and silky like silk and it went down to my feet! I was wearing lip gloss, blush and mascara from Maybelline! Also, my scar was gone and I didn't need glasses anymore.**

**"Oh, my God, I'm a GIRL!" I screamed.**

"As you can see, I am _not_ a girl." Harry noted pointing to himself.

"Irrelevant, Mr. Potter," a gleeful Umbridge said, "you are clearly determined to hide something that is in this story and I for one will find out was it is."

**"And WHAT is wrong with being a girl?" asked Hermione, putting her hands on her hips.**

**"Uh, nothing," I said quickly. "It's just that I'm used to be being a boy."**

"Wow, even as girls these Hogwarts men are weak." Lavender noted dryly.

**At that moment, Dumbledore rode into the hospital wing on a unicycle wearing an old-fashioned bathing suit.**

"What does Venus god mean by 'Old-fashioned bathing suit?'" Ginny asked Hermione. Hermione was giggling too hard at the idea of Dumbledore on a unicycle to respond adequately to Ginny's question.

**Good afternoon, Harry," he said as he alighted. "As I'm sure you've noticed, you're female now."**

McGonagall tried to hide a smile. She could see the Headmaster saying something like this.

**"No biggie," I said. "You can change me back, of course."**

**"Uh, about that..." said Dumbledore awkwardly.**

**"You CAN'T!" I shouted. "But you're the greatest wizard in the world!"**

**"Well, I'm sorry my powers aren't infinite!" Dumbledore shot back. "You're the one who's so upset about being a girl. Are you going to be sexist like Ron?"**

"I'm not sexist," Ron said quickly as eyes turned to him.

"Of course not, Ginny." Said Hermione, who was too focused on the line about Dumbledore's powers to notice it was Ron who spoke. _How powerful is Dumbledore, anyway?_ Hermione was sure that if it were possible to change gender, Dumbledore would be the one to know how.

**"Hermione will teach you everything you need to know!" said Dumbledore cheerfully.**

**"Okay, first of all you need to read lots of books and be really smart!" said Hermione.**

**"How to be a NORMAL girl," corrected Dumbledore, rolling his eyes.**

**"Oh, well, in that case, we'd better take you shopping in Hogsmeade!" Hermione said eagerly. "Unlike me, you'll need lots of girly clothes!"**

Hermione's attention was regained. _Venus god_ had slighted her not once but twice in the same paragraph for not being feminine. Was that how people viewed her?

**"Okay, but how will we explain this to the rest of school?" I asked, wondering what Draco would think.**

**"I'll tell everyone that Harry Potter left the school and that you're a new student," said Dumbledore.**

**"No one had better suspect that I'm Harry," I said.**

**"Don't worry," insisted Dumbledore, "I'm the bestest wizard in the world! I'll come up with a watertight story no one will see through!"**

Harry tried to imagine Dumbledore saying "bestest" but couldn't.

**"I am sorry to inform you all that Harry Potter has left the school," Dumbledore told everyone in the Great Hall the next morning. "You see... his parents died... which you all know, of course but, uh... Harry's invitation to their funeral got lost in the mail so he's just left now and he won't ever come back for... some reason. Anyway, on a completely, utterly unrelated note, I would like to introduce Harriet Potter to our school! Harriet Potter is a new student and not, repeat NOT, Harry Potter permanently turned into a girl by a potions accident yesterday which had multiple witnesses. She's just transferred here from... a school... somewhere and... did I mention that's she's not Harry Potter? I did? Oh, good, 'cause she's not. You got that, right? Right, completely, totally different person from Harry Potter who's away because of... whatever the story I told you about him was. Got that? Good. Here's Harriet Potter now!"**

Cho Chang burst in chuckles. "Airtight story, eh?" she asked. Honestly, _Cedric is lucky he doesn't have to live to hear such_…then she immediately ceased laughing, feeling ashamed of her herself. _How can I think things like that?_

Cho ignored Umbridge's orders to stay in her seat and quickly ran out of the Great Hall, not wanting to cry in public. After briefly watching Cho's unexplainable exit, the staff and students of Hogwarts turned to Umbridge to read the last lines of the chapter.

**I walked confidently into the Great Hall. I was wearing a cream-colored blouse with bright purple polka dots, a fleece jacket with pink and red horizontal stripes and an olive green mini. I was wearing lavender flip-flops with lime green tube socks over my mustard yellow tights. I also had on a bra and panties, but they were under the rest of my clothes so you couldn't see them. I had dyed my hair blue and put it in buns like Princess Leia from "Star Wars". All the boys stared lustfully at me while most of the girls looked incredibly jealous.**

**"Hello," I said to everyone, "I'm not Harry Potter."**

Harry shivered at the idea of Ron, Neville, Seamus and Dean staring at him lustfully.

"'I'm not Harry Potter' Yeah, because apparently we all thought Harry was a girl." Ginny snickered.

"The chapter ends here," Umbridge explained upon seeing the impatient looks for more, "However, the story seems to be told in the view of Mr. Potter. Perhaps we should move on to Chapter 2 and continue on?"

"Very well." Professor Dumbledore said. He knew it was garbage, but he was curious about this nonsense. After all, he hadn't had this much fun in years.

"Do people think I'm sexist and hate girls?" Ron asked Harry.

"No, Ron," Harry assured his friend, "it's fine. It was just a random line. I'm sure it won't be brought up again."


	2. Chapter 2

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

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_A/N: Let's give a cheer to hplover1999, the first person to favorite this fic! Here's Chapter 2!_

"Professor, do we really have to read this?" an irate Hermione Granger asked, "surely we can do something more productive."

"That's funny Miss Granger. I was under the impression that_ I_ was the teacher and _you_ were the student. I say that we are going to read this story!"

"But it has no educational value whatsoever!" Hermione protested.

"Maybe not," Umbridge admitted, "but I do not stop projects before starting them. I am so convinced of the Dark Magic in this story I've brought in some experts!"

Just then, an army of at least a thousand Aurors lead by Alastor Moody entered the Great Hall.

"I thought apparition was banned at Hogwarts." Ron said.

"Isn't it obvious Mr. Weasley?" McGonagall asked in outrage, "the Ministry tore down the wards. You have no right!"

Umbridge smiled. "It was the Ministry's choice Minerva, not mine."

"That's because you told them to!"

"Well, if that's how you interpret it, Minerva," Umbridge responded in indifference. "I'm going to read the next chapter now._ Venus god_ has titled the chapter** Guess who?**"

McGonagall was about the protest again, but upon seeing the look of Albus Dumbledore's eager face decided to remain quiet.

**Glad everyone thought the story was so funny! Here's chapter 2.**

"I don't recall anybody stating the story was funny" Severus Snape said.

**"Now come up here and be sorted!" said Professor McGonagall to me. I came up and put on the Sorting Hat.**

**"Hey, you're Harry Potter!" said the Sorting Hat in my ear. "I already sorted you!"**

**"Yeah, I'm pretending I'm a new student," I whispered so no one else could hear. "Play along."**

**"That's sneaky," said the Hat, "and being sneaky is evil so better be... SLYTHERIN!"**

Slytherins groaned at learning Potter was in there house in this story.

"That isn't even possible!" an outraged McGonagall cried, "The Sorting Hat couldn't whisper in his ear, it can't bend! And how would nobody notice they were whispering if Harry was on stage in front of the entire school. Ravenclaws would have noticed!"

**"NO!" I screamed as the Slytherin table cheered. Oh well, at least I was in the same house as Draco now. I walked over to the Slytherin table.**

"Oh, yes, we can't forget our priorities." Hermione said while rolling her eyes.

**"Hey, you're a girl!" said Ron as I sat down. "Will you iron my shirts?"**

"What's an iron?" a ignorant Crabbe asked. Irons did not exist in the wizarding world.

"There mystic creatures found in the Himalayas and Arizona," Luna Lovegood explained, "they cry black tears of depression, but there features have healing powers."

"An iron is a Muggle tool used for certain types of clothing." Severus explained while grimacing at the recollection of the time his father had beat him with an iron.

**"Shut up, Ron!" yelled Ginny. "You're sexist!" We hadn't told Ron that I was Harry Potter because if he knew the Chosen One was a girl, he'd give up on the Good Side and join the Death Eaters.**

"I'm not sexist!" Ron insisted amidst the snickers, "I respect girls!"

"Is that why you dumped me?" Lavender Brown asked.

"Come off! You know perfectly well I'm not sexist!"

"Well, whoever wrote this clearly believes otherwise," Umbridge smiled, delighted at Ron's irritation, "Let's move on."

**"Hey, want to be my BFF?" asked Pansy, who was the most popular girl in Hogwarts. She was a huge slut and she was wearing off-brand slutty clothes.**

**"No, you're a slut!" I yelled.**

**"Fine, but you'll never be popular now!" she declared.**

"I AM NOT A SLUT!" Pansy roared while the Gryffindors , Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws thought they would die of laughter The Slytherins merely stared, as if silently debating whether or not Pansy was indeed a slut. "PROFESSER UMBRIDGE, TELL THEM I'M NOT A SLUT!"

"I'm sorry, dear, but Ministry policy requires I be totally honest while in the presence of Auruors," Umbridge explained, "Now stop interrupting!"

**We then set off for our first class, which was Herbology.**

**"Hey, how come I got such large breasts despite being really skinny?" I asked Hermione. "That doesn't seem natural."**

**"I guess it's because the potion turned you into the ideal female form," said Hermione.** **"Okay, I guess that makes sense," I said as we walked into the greenhouse.**

"IDEAL!" Hermione cried in astonishment "that is_ not_ ideal! It's disgusting! I would never advocate that! Now _that_ is sexist! Who wrote this story anyway?"

"As I stated earlier, this story was written by_ Venus god_," Umbridge said in impatience, "now let's continue unless Miss Granger intends to interfere with a Ministry investigation!"

Hermione was about to snap she intended to do just that, but being far better than Ron and Harry at controlling her dangerous impulses, she ultimately bit her tongue while Umbridge further read.

**"I'm ba-a-a-ack!" said Gilderoy Lockhart. Ron groaned.**

"Dear god." McGonagall said, remembering Lockhart's incompetence.

"Lockhart taught Defense Against the Dark Arts, not Herbology!" Professor Sprout noted.

**"Oh, great - now all the stupid girls will act lovesick," he said because he was sexist.**

Hermione blushed as she remembered that she had been one of those "stupid girls."

"How exactly was that sexist?" Ginny asked, "if anything, it was a accurate observation."

**I used to think Gilderoy was annoying, but now that I was a girl I could see how hot he was and that his arrogance was just confidence! And you could totally see his chiseled abs through his hot pink flowing robes! He looked exactly like Robert Pattinson!**

"It looks like you forget that time Lockhart tried to wipe out your memory, Harry" Ron laughed, "Oh, wait, your_ Harietta_ now!"

"Who's Robert Pattinson?" Justin asked.

"Who knows? Probably just somebody_ Venus god_ invented." Hermione speculated.

**"I've replaced Professor Sprout," Gilderoy explained. "She died in a bungee jumping accident-"**

I hate heights," Professor Sprout confessed, "there's no way I'll ever bungee jump anywhere!"

"**-Today we'll learn about Beauty Flowers. Eating Beauty Flowers will make you irresistible to the opposite sex - not that I've eaten any, of course. We'll be planting them in pairs. Potter, you will go with Malfoy!"**

Harry and Draco waited with apprehension. _Venus god_ seemed to be trying to pair them. Female Harry or male Harry, that was unacceptable.

**"Wow, you look totally hot!" said Draco. "In fact, you look exactly like Meg Ryan!"**

Draco nearly vomited in his pumpkin juice.

**"Thanks," I said, blushing.**

**"Want to go on a date in Hogsmeade?" asked Draco happily.**

**"Okay!" I replied.**

"NO!" Harry and Draco yelled at the same today.

"Well, this is starting to get interesting." Umbridge cackled nastily, enjoying their humiliation.


	3. Chapter 3

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

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_A/N: Special thinks to Gushlaw and Anna C. Black-Potter for put this story in their favorites! Glad all the feedback I've had so far is positive. Anyway, I have a question for my readers: should I add either Sirius Black or Remus Lupin to my story? I've decided to leave that choice to you. If you have an opinion on the subject, go to my profile page and vote in my blind poll about whether or not I should add them. In the meantime, let's check up on our victims! How I pity them..._

"We couldn't detect any Dark Magic in the book, though we universally agree the writing is rather horrific," Tonks told Umbridge, "should we skip the paperwork?"

Umbridge was fuming. The Arours hadn't found anything wrong with the book after thirty hours of investigating-at least, nothing wrong in terms of Dark Magic. "What do you suggest?"

"Personally, I'd burn the damn thing." Mad-Eye Moody said, "I've never seen writing that bad before. I think I'll go to St. Mungo's and schedule a lobotomy."

For some reason, Tonks laughed at that comment. Moody himself was giving a semi-grin. Umbridge couldn't understand what was so funny. "All right, back to the Ministry!" Moody barked, "There's been another Azkaban break-out and we have to get the Death Eaters!"

"You're leaving?" Umbridge asked in fury, "you can't just stay?"

"We've spent almost two days and found nothing!" Tonks explained, "And the Minister's order was to find Dark Magic. We didn't, so the mission is over." Tonks, Moody and the rest of the Arours then evaporated.

Umbridge stomped loudly out of the Great Hall, yelled at the staircases for changing at an inconvenient moment and upon approaching the entrance to Dumbledore's office, swore loudly instead of give the password. The frightened gargoyle reluctantly let her in the Head's office anyway.

"Hello Professor Umbridge," a cheerful Dumbledore said, "what did you find out?"

The other teachers watched Umbridge with anticipation. Based on the smirk on her face, McGonagall must have assumed there was no Dark Magic in the story. "I'm afraid I was mistaken. The story has no Dark elements in it."

"Indeed?" McGonagall asked, clearly pleased, "well, we can just destroy the story."

"Oh, no, Minerva," Umbridge said, "There's no way we can afford to destroy this story."

"And why not?" McGonagall asked wearily.

"Because I am certain whoever wrote this story is a danger to the life of Mr. Weasley," Umbridge lied, "the story seems like a militant defamation campaign against him."

Albus Dumbledore's eyebrows rose in shock. "Who do you suspect _Venus god_ is, Dolores?"

Umbridge hadn't thought that far through yet, so she said the first name she could recall. "Gilderoy Lockhart!"

The teachers at her looked in shock.

"That makes sense, actually," Snape said, "Lockhart clearly would want revenge on Weasley for wiping his memory; I've heard he's recovered most of it at St. Mungos. Not to mention the story seems to have chosen to have taken an idolatrous attitude toward him at this point."

Umbridge looked at Snape in hope. Could sheer dumb luck work in her favor?

"But why would Lockhart pair Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy?" McGonagall asked skeptically.

"Well, let's recall who Lockhart is. Lockhart is a stupid, moronic, narcissistic baboon," Snape reminded McGonagall, "he probably thought his writing was a stroke of genius simply because_ he_ wrote it. Perhaps he also thought not making the story purely about Weasley would hide the true intention of_ Becoming Female_."

"You make great points, Severus," McGonagall said, "but I just can't see it. It just seems too unlikely."

"Either way, the students have been begging to hear more. Except Granger and Weasley, they clearly want the story to end. Plus Potter and Draco, but there still in the hospital wing recovering from the shock of being a couple in the story." Snape informed them.

"I'm sure they'll be better soon." Dumbledore predicted, "in the meantime, let's go and read the remainder of the story."

"Headmaster, must we?" McGonagall asked in irritation.

"I've promised the students, Minerva. You don't have to listen, though."

McGonagall sighed. "Let's go to the Great Hall and get this over with. How many chapters are there?"

"Fifty-five." Umbridge said.

McGonagall grunted. This was _not_ a good day.

Once in the Great Hall, Umbridge stood before the school and began reading.

"The next chapter is titled **The date is Hogsmade**," Umbridge read, "Sorry I took so long to update. Here's more of the story! The views of Ron are not shared by me."

"Good to know,_ Venus god_," Ginny said, "And what's does she by 'update?' She hasn't done anything?"

**I walked into the 3 Broomsticks in Hogsmeade to date Draco.**

"Good to know," Fred Weasley said, "I could have sworn she was getting tequila."

**I was wearing an orange and green sports bra so you could see my belly ring,**

"That is not decent." Umbridge lectured.

**a hot pink poodle skirt with a blue-green poodle on it and bright orange hiking boots.**

"Dear God." said Pavarti, offended such clothing existed.

**My gray hair**

"Gray hair?" Severus asked in astonishment, "how could she be Hogwarts age and have_ gray hair?_ Even a potion couldn't age you like that!"

**had magenta highlights**

Umbridge was reminded of that Auror Tonks.

**and was braided into three braids. I was wearing blush with white foundation over it.**

"She put blush and foundation on her _braids_?" Astoria Greengrass asked.

**I was also wearing frilly panties, but you couldn't see them.**

"Thank Merlin for that" Lavender Brown said.

"Stop laughing!" Umbridge commanded. A group of perverted Slytherins and Seamus Finnegan had begun giggling upon hearing the sixth word in the sentence.

**I quite liked being a girl by now!**

"Well, I'm glad you enjoyed the test run," Hermione said, "let see what you think of menopause."

**"Wow, you look hot!" said Draco, who was wearing nothing but an electric purple speedo to show off his amazing body.**

No less than sixty students had to be taken to the hospital wing upon hearing this.

"Purple is the color of the waste left by irons." Luna said.

**"Yeah, so do you," I said, trying not to get too entranced by Draco's incredible tanned chest.**

"You can get tanned at Hogwarts," Pansy said, "the weather's to cold. Even if you weren't wearing any clothing by the lake in the summer it wouldn't work.

"How did you know that, Pansy?" Neville asked. Pansy did not respond.

**"Hey, you two lovebirds want a booth?" asked Madam Rosmerta cheerfully.**

**"Yeah, okay," me and Draco said in unison. We sat down at a booth with an incredible view of Hogwarts out the window.**

"The Three Broomsticks doesn't even have booths!" Hermione cried "and even if it did, you can't see Hogwarts from Hogsmade because of all the trees!"

**"So, how long you going to be at Hogwarts, Harriet?" asked Draco.**

**"Call me Crystal," I decided. "Harriet is an ugly name."**

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Priorities again."

**"Okay, my name's Draco," said Draco.**

**"Yeah, I know," I replied.**

Ron snickered. "The dialogue is stupid. I almost wish it was calling me sexist again instead of this trash."

**"Uh oh, here comes trouble," said Madam Rosmerta as Ron walked into the pub wearing a cowboy hat with Pansy on his arm. "Those two troublemakers are going to cost me my business," she sighed under her breath.**

Ron immediately regretted his previous comment.

"I don't wear hats anyway!" he said, "Fred and George always tell me that hats make look like a troll!" The laughter that followed made Ron realize his defense failed.

"Well it's true." George said.

**"Get us a table for two, you slag," Ron said offensively to Madam Rosmerta.**

"Ron wouldn't have the nerve to snap at Rosmerta." Hermione said.

"Yes I would!" Ron said.

"No, you wouldn't."

"Yes, I would."

"No, you wouldn't, Ronald."

"NOBODY CARES!" Umbridge roared, "Let's continue our story!"

**Pansy didn't mind dating someone as sexist as Ron because she was a slut.**

Laughter broke out from all four tables. Apparently, the Slytherins had concluded in there silent debate from the previous night that she was indeed a slut.

"I AM NOT A SLUT! PROFESSER UMBRIDGE, THE AURORS ARE GONE! TELL THEM I'M NOT A SLUT!"

"Pansy, you're not a slut, or whatever I'm supposed to say." Umbridge said without sympathy.

**"No, you're not welcome here anymore," Madam Rosmerta told him. "Get out, or there'll be trouble!"**

**"You want trouble? You got it!" said Ron, pulling his wand out of a holster on his belt. He started shooting everyone with his wand, starting a bar fight.**

"I've never started a bar fight. I saw Charlie puke in a bar once, though."

"Lovely story, Ron." Hermione said.

**"Now, that's quite enough!" said Draco, trying to wrestle Ron's wand out his hand. "You're ruining the bar!"**

"Didn't Malfoy start a bar fight himself?" Neville asked

"Yes," Luna answered, "he called Cedric a 'Mudblood-lover' so Cho starting beating up Slytherins."

Everyone looked at the Ravenclaw table, but Cho was nowhere to be seen.

**"Hey, that's quite a pretty girl you got there!" said Ron, looking lasciviously at me. "You think she might want to jump in bed with me and Pansy?"**

Seamus attention was regained. "Now that might improve this story." he whispered to Dean and Neville.

**"No, I don't want that!" I yelled in a terrified voice.**

**"No means yes," laughed Ron, throwing Draco aside.**

"When was Ron carrying Draco in the first place?" Ginny asked, "Or does it mean that he pushed Draco over?"

**"Noooooo!" I screamed as Ron came forward to rape me.**

"Why didn't he fight back?" Ron asked, "and I'm not sexist!"

"Yeah, sure you aren't Ron." A eye-rolling Hermione Granger said.

**"Stop right there, sucker!" yelled Gilderoy, standing in the entrance of the wrecked bar looking perfectly immaculate in his fancy clothes**

"Only if you consider wearing dead rats 'fancy'" somebody said.

**He was pointing his wand at Ron. The fighting had stopped.**

"Gasp." George said. Laughter broke out.

**"You can't prove I would've have raped her!" Ron said superiorly.**

"That's it! I can't take anymore of this, I have a migraine," McGonagall said upon hearing "superiorly." "I'm sick. I'm going home!"

"Very well, Minerva, that is your choice." Dumbledore responded. McGonagall hadn't taken sick leave in at least thirty years. _I seem to have underestimated Minerva's dislike of this story._

Once McGonagall had stomped out of the room, Umbridge continued reading.

**"Maybe," said Gilderoy, "but you did wreck the bar. I give you detention cleaning it up."**

**"Madam Rosmerta can clean it up herself," laughed Ron. "She's a woman and that's what women do!"**

'I don't think that. Women can do anything." Ron said quickly.

**"That's ten points from Gryffindor for being sexist!" shouted Gilderoy.**

**"No, Snape took our last point today," laughed Ron. "We have no points left for you to take! Come on, let's get out of here, Pansy." He and Pansy left the pub together.**

"Can you take points for being sexist?" Hermione asked. She had never read that in _Hogwarts, A History._

"No," said Dumbledore, "we don't have any rules on that. We have taken off points since 1791 for bad dancing, though."

_**"I'll see to it that he won't come around here again," Gilderoy told Madam Rosmerta. "He won't cause you trouble anymore."**_

_**"Thank you, sir," said Madam Rosmerta, relieved.**_

_**"That was so scary!" I said, collapsing into Draco's arms.**_

_**"Don't worry, I'll protect you always," said Draco. We kissed happily.**_

"Do people kiss sadly?" Neville asked, having no experience in the matter.

"Sometimes, but usually not blokes." Seamus answered.

"Why is Crystal collapsing in Malfoy's arms when she's safe?" Ginny asked, "if she was going to collapse at any point, it was _when_ Ron tried to rape her."

"I'm not sexist." Ron said quickly.

"The chapter ends here," Umbridge said, "but I think we'll read on."

"Professor Dumbledore, please make it stop!" Hermione and Ron begged.

"I'm sorry, but we can't stop until the story ends," Dumbledore said, "read on, Dolores!"


	4. Chapter 4

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

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_A/N: So far the results for my poll on whether Remus or Sirius should be added to the story are about even. But you still can vote until I close it next Thursday. If you want one of them or both in this story, you better vote quickly! Once again, the poll is at my profile page._

Minerva McGonagall reluctantly opened the door to her beach house in the Mediterranean Sea, where she lived to avoid paying British wizarding taxes because she hated the British Ministry (she used Floo Powder travel to go work). Upon opening the door, Albus Dumbledore greeted her.

"Hello, Professor McGonagall," Dumbledore said, "I've brought you some Vanilla Frogs as a get well gift."

McGonagall couldn't help but smile. Vanilla Frogs were her favorite wizarding desert. "Thank you, Albus that is very thoughtful of you."

McGonagall took a bite of her Vanilla Frog. It was delicious.

"I've forgotten how beautiful this area is," Dumbledore noted, staring at the sandy beaches, "I haven't been here since the party we threw after Voldemort disappeared and Flitwick got drunk and we had to bail him out of Muggle jail. Is that why you never invited us back?"

McGonagall nodded, continuing to eat her Vanilla Frog. "I spent eight days cleaning up his mess. Plus _I _had to explain to his ex-wife he was a wizard."

"I'm sorry; Minerva, Severus and I were busy with work."

"I'm not angry, Albus. At least, not anymore."

"Anyway, do you feel up to returning to Hogwarts?"

"Yes," McGonagall said, "I miss work. How far through that awful story are we?"

"Three chapters." Dumbledore explained gently, knowing there would be a meltdown.

"What? That's how far we were when I left!"

"Well, we were going to read the fourth chapter, but Peeves and Moaning Myrtle teamed up and dismantled Umbridge's office. We had to clean up the mess, so we sent the students to bed."

McGonagall sighed. "I guess I'll just have to bear it like a Gryffindor."

"That's the spirit, Minerva," Dumbledore said cheerfully, "now let's apparate to Hogwarts!"

Upon seeing McGonagall and Dumbledore in the Great Hall, Umbridge began reading. "The next chapter _of Becoming Female _is titled** We have to stop Ron!**"

Ron froze as snickers surrounded him. He knew what that meant.

**I have a new rule. Everyone who reads this story must leave 12 REVIEWS FOR EACH CHAPTER!**

"Once again, _Venus god _does_ not_ bother to explain how we review." Ginny noted in irritation.

**I woke up excitedly the next day.**

McGonagall snorted. "I see the story hasn't improved since I left."

**I put on my red lingerie, bright yellow T-shirt, pink tights, purple cardigan sweater, orange short shorts and orange high heels.**

Pansy Parkinson had to be taken to the hospital wing upon hearing this description.

**I dyed my hair lilac**

Hermione began snickering uncontrollably.

"I still don't see how Crystal has gray hair." Ginny said.

**and styled it into a beehive with magic. I also put on green eye shadow to bring out the color of my eyes.**

"I suppose _Venus god_ is trying to prove she knows something about Potter," Snape said, "Speaking of which, where is that insufferable brat?"

"He's still in the hospital wing with Draco, Severus, though they are in separate beds." Dumbledore informed him.

**I went down to the Great Hall. I didn't have any classes because it was Sunday.**

"Actually, we have Advanced Potions on Sunday," Snape corrected, "though based on the first chapter, Crystal Potter is probably not in that class."

**"Hey, Draco," I said to Draco.**

**"Wow, you look extra hot today!" he told me.**

**"Thanks," I said, blushing. He moved towards me.**

"THAT'S EXCACTLY WHAT HAPPENED IN THE LAST CHAPTER!" Hermione roared, outraged at the repetitiveness. "Professor Dumbledore, why must we read a story with no plot?

**"You're the only for me, Crystal," he said in a romantic voice. "I'll never love another girl more than you!" I stared romantically into his beautiful eyes. My heart sped up as we came together to kiss again.**

"Gross." Ron said, reluctantly imagining Harry and Draco kissing each other sloppily.

**"Hey, look at ME!" shouted Pansy in a slutty voice, ruining the moment. She was trying to get Draco's attention by wearing slutty clothes.**

"Wouldn't she always wear slutty clothes if_ Venus god_ thinks she's a slut?" Astoria Greengrass asked.

"I suppose," Hermione said, "But _Venus god_ probably didn't think that through."

**"Let's go somewhere without sluts," I suggested.**

"Good luck," Ginny said, "I don't think that's possible in this story."

**"Okay, let's go to the Transfiguration Courtyard," said Draco. We went there. We sat down on a bench and were about to kiss when Ginny ran in in her Quidditch outfit.**

Ginny sighed. Was her character going to be as bad as Harry and Ron?

**"Hey, Ginny," said Draco. I had told him Gryffindors were nice.**

"Yeah, I'm sure that all it's ever taken," Hermione said, "And "in in" is a grammatical error."

**"Hey," said Ginny. "We have a problem. With you - I mean, Harry gone, Ron is captain of the Quidditch team. He's kicked me off 'cause he only allows girls to join if they're hot and not related to him.**

"I wouldn't throw of anybody for being a girl!' Ron cried, "Look at Katie! I work with her all the time!"

Ginny snorted. "Why is_ Venus god_ so obsessed with hating Ron?"

"Lockhart." Snape whispered. The teachers at the High Table raised their eyebrows to indicate they heard him, though McGonagall still couldn't see it being true.

**Katie got thrown off too when she stood up to him for me.**

"Well, at least he's consistent." An eye-rolling Professor Sprout said.

**He's replaced us with those sluts Parvati and Lavender.**

"WE ARE NOT SLUTS!" Parvati and Lavender said.

**And he's made Neville our new Seeker!"**

**"You'll lose every game with them!" I shouted.**

Neville buried his head on the table as Slytherins taunted him mercilessly.

"Well, that was just was just mean." Seamus Finnegan said.

"You didn't care when _Venus god_ did it to Pansy." Astoria pointed out.

"Well, there's a difference between one of my best mates and a slut." Seamus explained.

"You have all sorts of talent, Neville." Dean assured him.

Ron and Ginny stayed quiet. Neville was there friend and part of them wanted to defend him, but another part of them were offended by the idea of_ Neville Longbottom_ playing Seeker.

**"How could he DO that? We've got to stop him!"**

"What exactly do I expect from Crystal, anyway?" Ginny asked, "Do the teachers just do what she says?"

**"Hey, you're in Slytherin, remember?" Draco told me. "It's good for us if Gryffindor has a bad team."**

"Finally, some sense is coming back into this story!" Cho Chang cried in relief.

**"Yeah, but Ginny's our friend and we have to help her," I pointed out.**

"I spoke to soon." Cho said in defeat.

"So, all I had to say was 'Hey' to Malfoy and now where best friends forever?" Ginny asked in astonishment.

"Maybe _Venus god_ will give you bracelets," Cho suggested, "that say_ Ron is so sexist!_"

"Dear God, _please_ don't." Ginny begged the story.

**"Okay, fine," said Draco. We went to Professor McGonagall.**

"Please nothing strange, please nothing strange, please nothing strange!" McGonagall prayed.

**She was riding on a magical exercise bike to cure her menopause.**

Laughter broke throughout the tables. McGonagall rolled her eyes, but privately she was fuming. _How dare Venus god suggest that about me!_

**"Hello," she said.**

"I see I get the good line." McGonagall said dryly. Laughter broke out at her comment.

**"We have to see Professor Dumbledore immediately!" we all said at once.**

**"I'm afraid Professor Dumbledore is not here," McGonagall told us. "As it so happens, he's at the gay pride parade in Hogsmeade."**

The laughter that followed this was so loud it could be heard from Hogsmade. Dumbledore, who had quietly been knitting while listening to the story, looked in shock.

Severus Snape looked at the Headmaster in fear, recalling back when Dumbledore had said "_I love and care deeply for you, Severus_." Had Dumbledore meantâ Ś.?

**"But Ron's taken over the Quidditch team, and he's being sexist!" shouted Ginny.**

"I'm not-"

"Nobody hear actually thinks you are sexist, Mr. Weasley" McGonagall assured him. "I don't believe that_ Venus god_ even truly believes that."

**"Well, I'm afraid he's the captain and can do whatever he wants," said McGonagall sadly. "The former captain, Harry Potter, decided Ron would take over if something happened to him." I sighed guiltily. I'd done that before I became a girl and realized how sexist Ron was.**

"Yeah, we totally didn't figure that out on our own." Ginny said.

"So, we have no rules about gender discrimination?" Hermione asked outrage.

"Of course we ban gender discrimination, Miss Granger," McGonagall said, "_Venus god_ simply found that irrelevent."

**"Can't we do ANYTHING?!" I begged.**

**"I'm afraid not," McGonagall said as a lone tear rolled down her cheek. She knew Gryffindor stood no chance of winning the Quidditch Cup now. We all walked away sadly.**

"Thus ends chapter four," Umbridge said, "shall we continue?"

Suddenly, Harry and Draco walked into the Great Hall.

"Harry, you're all right!" Hermione, Ginny and Cho squeaked. Ginny glared at Cho in hate but turned her attention to Harry.

"I thought he was in the Hospital Wing." Goyle said in disappointment. He and Crabbe had enjoyed there short-lived freedom from there master.

"Obviously, I've woken up, you idiot." Draco said, "How could I not have with Pansy whining about whatever it was. I hope she stays in there for a while. Maybe I should leave her for somebody else." He glanced at Astoria.

"Well, I suppose we'll read chapter five tomorrow." Umbridge said.

McGonagall sighed. _When will this chaos end?_


	5. Chapter 5

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

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"â Ś_Longbottom_ had the nerve to call me a greasy bastard!" Severus Snape was complaining in the Heads Office.

"All the students want to do is talk about _Becoming Female_," Professor Flitwick said in dismay, "it's gotten so bad that_ Ron Weasley_ is tied with Granger as the top of the class."

Dumbledore sighed. "Well, that is unfortunate-"

"Unfortunate! Albus this is probably Umbridge's plan!" McGonagall said.

"What do you mean, Minerva?" Dumbledore asked in curiosity.

"Don't you find it suspicious that just when she needs it most, she walks in with the perfect piece of evidence to destroy Hogwarts, discredit you and justify a Ministry takeover of Hogwarts?"

Dumbledore froze. "So, instead of Lockhart, you believe the story was written by-"

"-Dolores Umbridge." McGonagall confirmed.

Dumbledore sighed. "Minerva, it's no secret you and Umbridge have great tension between you."

"I know what I'm talking about! It was_ she_ who first suggested Lockhart had written the story! In fact, she was the one who just happened to find the story! This story may not have Dark magic, but no doubt its intentions are dark! I believe she is using this as a weapon against the students."

"Granger and Weasley haven't been affected," Snape noted, "that might make sense with Granger. But_ Weasley?"_

"Either way, I think we should put a tail on Umbridge." McGonagall suggested.

"Very well, Minerva. You may keep watch over her. But be careful. In the meantime, we must go to the Great Hall and read the fifth chapter."

McGonagall sighed. She felt like she was the only sane woman in a giant mental institution. Then again, isn't that exactly what Hogwarts had been since that story was found?

The teachers left the Head's Office and walked into the Great Hall.

"How nice to see you," Umbridge said in indifference upon seeing the teacher's entering, "Chapter five of_ Becoming Female_ is called** Oh no!**"

"I'll take it sexist Ron is making a return debut." Hermione predicted darkly.

**Later that day, I went to Gilderoy for help.**

"Let me get this straight," Ron said, "Crystal, who formerly was Harry, was asked by Ginny for help to throw 'me' of the team. So they went to McGonagall, who refused to do anything, claiming she lacked the authority. So instead, they're going to see Lockhart, who has less authority than McGonagall, yet they think he will help them anyway."

"Yeah, looks like that's about it." Ginny responded.

**"Well, I suppose you could get Ron thrown off the team," he said. "That way, he wouldn't be captain anymore."**

Ginny giggled. "Brilliant deduction, Lockhart."

**"How could I do that?" I asked desperately.**

"Wow, I think_ Venus god_ just used a real word at the end." Cho said in astonishment.

**"Well, flirting is strictly forbidden in the Quidditch Tent for some reason," Gilderoy told me.**

"It's not." Cho confirmed, thinking of her first conversation with Cedric.

**"If you flirt with Ron in there, he won't be able to resist flirting back, and then we got him!"**

"What, are they going to kidnap Ron?" Harry asked.

"I don't know," Hermione said, "they'll probably have no choice if he tries to rape you."

**"But Ron's sexist!" I shouted.**

"I guess nobody caught on to first four chapters where Ron was sexist." Hermione said.

"Which, I'm not." Ron said, wearing a feminist T-shirt.

**"He might try to rape me!"**

"Might?" Ginny asked.

**"I'll come along to protect you," Gilderoy said fatherly. We went to the tent and saw Ron talking to the team.**

**"This is the new uniform for female Gryffindor players," said Ron as he pointed at Parvati and Lavender, who were wearing nothing but scarlet c-strings with tiny gold pasties. "At first I thought of making them go topless, but that wouldn't leave anything to the imagination."**

"I'm surprised Ron didn't kick them off the team altogether!" Professor Sprout said.

**I like 'em," said Parvati, swaying her hips sluttily. "They make me feel SO sexy!"**

**"Yeah, let's go find some boys to gawk at our practically nude bodies!" said Lavender happily as they left with the rest of the team.**

"I see there still sluts." Neville said while Seamus drooled.

"WE. ARE. NOT. SLUTS!" They insisted.

**"We also have practice tomorrow!" yelled Ron after them. I walked in the room seductively, sexily spinning my sweater in my hand.**

**"Well, hello," he said in a sexist voice. "Are you going to let me touch your crystal, Crystal Potter?"**

"I guess Ron's not one for small talk." Harry said.

**"Maybe," I said, throwing the sweater aside and standing before him with a sexy pose. I hoped Gilderoy would run and stop Ron soon, because flirting with that disgusting redheaded creature made me feel sick to my stomach. Trying to resist the urge to throw up, I smiled flirtily at him.**

"Another fake word." McGonagall noted upon hearing "flirtily."

**"Take off your clothes!" Ron demanded. "Girls shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes if they look hot. They should also make 75 cents for every every dollar men make and not have the right to choose!"**

"At least we can still vote." Cho noted.

"I'm sure _Venus god_ just forgot to have Ron say that." Hermione speculated.

"I'm surprised he lets us get pay instead of do slave-labor." Ginny said.

**"Tell me more," I said, trying not to let Ron's ugly, sexist face make me gag. I decided to tease Ron some more, pretending to begin removing my shirt.**

"She better do it slowly if she doesn't want to get raped." Ginny said.

**"YOU BITCH!" yelled a very sexy voice. Draco ran in pointing his finger at me.**

Draco and Harry blushed. They had almost forgotten Crystal was Harry and that they were a couple, but_ Venus god_ had just given them a brand new reminder."

**It's not what it looks like!" I said, worried Draco might not like me now.**

"That's the least of my own worries." said a voice from nowhere.

"I couldn't agree more." Another voice said.

Two men walked into the Great Hall.

"Sirius! Lupin!" Harry said in shock.

"It's the Death Eater, Sirius Black!" Umbridge roared in glee, "Arrest him!"

"Sorry, Dor, but I am free as of 1 AM yesterday. I have a pardon from the Minister." Sirius said, handing Umbridge a document.

Umbridge's eyes were filled with fury as she read the document. "Indeed, you do."

"So, was that line from the_ 'Becoming Female'_ you spoke of, Albus?" Lupin asked.

"Indeed, it was, Remus. Would you kindly continue reading, Dolores?"

Umbridge looked not at Dumbledore but at Remus. Filthy half-blood, he would die at her hands one day. "Very well, Professor Dumbledore."

**"Yeah, right!" he yelled at me. "You're just as big a slut as Pansy! I don't love you anymore!" He ran away crying.**

Draco tried to ignore the snickers, particularly the uproarious one from that mutt Black.

**I stood there sadly as Gilderoy, Ginny and Hermione walked in.**

**"You were flirting in the Quidditch tent," said Ginny, pointing at Ron. "That means you're not captain anymore!" Ron glared at us angrily.**

"That worked almost too easily." Hermione noted.

"Is it really 'flirting' when Ron basically orders Crystal to be raped?" Ginny asked.

**"You may have won this round, Crystal Potter," he declared loudly, "but I'll get my revenge! You just wait and see, you stupid girls!" And then he ran away laughing like a maniac.**

"So, Ron is not only sexist but he's insane as well." Hermione recapped.

"I'm not insane," Ron said, "though I might be if I listen to anymore of this story.

**"Well, you got rid of Ron for us," said Ginny happily.**

"_Lockhart_ got rid of Ron." Hermione corrected.

**"Yeah, but now Draco hates me," I said sadly.**

**"Don't worry," said Hermione comfortingly, "We'll hope you get him back."**

**"I hope so," I said.**

"Merlin, I thought Azkaban was bad." Sirius said to Lupin.

**Did you like it? I'm thinking of having Sirius Black come back from the dead to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. Anyone like this idea?**

"Well, I guess I've some time to kill." Sirius said.

"Dead?" Remus asked, "Sirius isn't dead!"

"Well, I have an announcement," Dumbledore said, "Professor Black and Professor Lupin will be co-teaching Muggle Studies as our previous teacher has resigned. In short, they are now Hogwarts teachers!"

"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO" Severus Snape roared, "WHY_ THEM_?"

"Well, why not?" Dumbledore asked, "read on, Dolores!"


	6. Chapter 6

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

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Minerva McGonagall was on a dangerous mission: breaking into Dolores Umbridge's office. Some would call it an outright stupid mission. Especially given that nobody knew where she was or what she was doing. The students where in bed, the teachers who knows where. Nobody could save her.

The toad was fast asleep. Minerva carefully walked over to where Umbridge kept the copy of_ Becoming Female_. McGonagall was going to destroy the book before it did permanent damage to Hogwarts. McGonagall grabbed the book.

It was then McGonagall realized she made a mistake. McGonagall stood there, trying to move but unable to do so. McGonagall realized in horror that she was petrified. Clearly, Umbridge had added some magic to the book that made it impossible to swipe it from her.

There was nothing McGonagall could do except hope that a teacher would find her and save her. After three hours, the toad awoke and a vicious smile emerged on her face when she saw McGonagall frozen.

"I_ knew_ it was only a matter of time before you tried to steal my book," Umbridge said, "well, perhaps I shouldn't say_ my book_. I didn't actually write it, of course. But the more I read, the more disorganized Hogwarts becomes and the less the students learn."

McGonagall tried to scream but couldn't. Everything she had speculated the other night was true.

"When all the students begin to flunk, the Ministry will fire Dumbledore, and then look for a reason to jail him. But Dumbledore isn't the real threat. It's _you_, Minerva McGonagall."

McGonagall tried to move, even though she knew it a futile effort.

"You are to date the only person to question my authority in the thirty years I've been in the Ministry. Not even the Minister dares to cross me. But you? Oh, you're definitely a bigger threat than Dumbledore or Voldemort could dream of being toward me."

Umbridge took a pair of scissors and cut a piece of McGonagall's hair. "I'm having a house-elf pose as you," Umbridge explained, "while I keep you in the trunk that Moody was in. But I've added an addition for you; an army of Dementors."

Umbridge cackled nastily. "Don't worry, darling, you'll probably survive. At least, you survive longer than most usually do, you were taught by Dumbledore after all. But nobody survives for long."

Umbridge pushed McGonagall into the trunk and closed it quickly, not wanted her own soul to be kissed. "WINKY!" Umbridge called.

Winky appeared. "Yes, mistress?"

"I want you to pose as Professor McGonagall. You need to act real sour, nasty and hateful-at least, towards Peeves. Oh, and you need to boss the students around."

Ten minutes later, Umbridge and "McGonagall" entered the Great Hall.

"Where have the two of you been?" Severus Snape asked in irritation.

"We went shopping in Diagon Alley," Umbridge lied, "and I bought her a new coat."

Dumbledore clapped his hands. "I'm glad you two are finally good friends."

"Why don't you read chapter six?" "McGonagall" suggested.

Professor Sprout and Snape's jaws dropped to the floor._ McGonagall wants to hear more?_

"That's a great idea, Minerva," Umbridge said, "The sixth chapter of Becoming Female is titled** Sirius**."

"Merlin, please don't tell me that I'm in this." Professor Sirius Black begged.

**Later that day, Dumbledore and Hagrid burst in the front doors of the castle wearing gay rainbow outfits.**

Uproarious laughter emerged throughout the school. Hagrid, who had mostly been indifferent to the story, looked in astonishment.

**"It's fun to stay at the Y - M - C - A!" they sang as they danced into the Great Hall holding hands. "They have everything for you men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys! Y! M! C! A! Y! M! C! A!"**

"Dear god, I'll never listen to that the same way again." Hermione said.

**"I take it you just came here from the gay pride parade in Hogsmeade," said Hermione.**

**"Very good, Miss Granger!" Dumbledore replied cheerfully. "Ten points to Gryffindor!"**

Hermione rolled her eyes.

**"We have ten whole points now!" squealed Ginny. "Let's hope we don't lose them all again because of Ron this time!"**

"Wasn't it Harry who cost them their last point at the start of the story?" Neville recalled.

"Crystal." Harry corrected. He didn't want to emphasize that he was the character in this story.

**"So, does this mean you're gay?" I asked Hagrid.**

**"Surprised?" he asked back.**

**"Not really," I admitted, "It's been obvious for a long time."**

**"Really?" said Hagrid. "I guess I shoulda told you guys sooner then."**

**"Yeah, it was getting quite awkward," I told him.**

Harry snorted. "Do you have anything you haven't told us, Hagrid?"

Hagrid chuckled. "No, there are no secrets."

"If there are no secrets," Umbridge said, "why won't you tell me where you were while Professor Grubby-Plank filled in for you?"

Hagrid didn't respond.

**"Hey Crystal, I have a surprise for you!" Dumbledore declared.**

"I'm telling you, Ginny," Cho said, "it's going to be a bracelet that says_ Ron is so sexist_."

"Please no, please no, please no." Ginny begged.

**"It turns out Sirius isn't dead after all!" explained Dumbledore.**

"Again, who here thought I was dead?" Professor Sirius Black asked.

**"Come in, Sirius!"**

**"Hey, everyone!" said Sirius as he walked in the door wearing jeans with a "New Moon" T-shirt.**

"New Moon?" Ginny asked in confusion, "what's that?"

"It's was an alternative werewolf band that based out of Chile during the mid-1980's." Luna answered.

Ginny rolled her eyes. "That can't be it, Luna!"

"Actually, it's true, Ginny," Professor Lupin said, "I was the lead drummer."

"Can you sign my record?" Luna asked.

Luna walked with a record that said_ Bitter Moon: the Holocaust of Night_. Lupin pulled out a quill and signed it.

"You never told me you were in a band, Moony." Sirius said in astonishment.

"It was while you were in Azkaban." Lupin explained.

**"Hey, Sirius!" I yelled happily. "You're back!"**

Sirius Black snorted. "I would have assumed it was obvious."

**"Who are you?" he asked me.**

**"Oh, that's Crystal Potter," said Hagrid. "She used to be Harry Potter before becoming a girl."**

**"Hey Crystal!" said Sirius and we hugged like a father and daughter. "So I guess I'll have to protect you from boys now, huh?" he said. I laughed.**

"It's only boys I've been protecting Harry from, actually" Sirius noted, "Voldemort, Wormtail, Snape. Merlin, Harry, I'd get a get a girlfriend as fast as possible."

**"Remember, it's a secret that Crystal Potter is really Harry Potter," Dumbledore informed him importantly, "so don't tell Ron."**

**"I won't," laughed Sirius. "I wouldn't have even brought that sexist idiot into the Shrieking Shack with Harry and Hermione if he hadn't had Wormtail. Heh, Wormtail and Ron. Don't those two deserve each other?" Everyone laughed.**

"Is she still bashing me?" Ron asked in outrage, "Why does_ Venus god_ hate me so much? In fact, I think I'm the only character that's evil!"

"I don't know, Ron," Ginny said, "but it's fun to listen to."

**"Hey, Sirius!" I suddenly said. "You really got around in your day, right?"**

**"I'll say," he said. "I was the man whore of Hogwarts! Girls literally lined up outside my dormitory!"**

**"They actually did," said Dumbledore smiling. "Most of them failed their classes from never going to them."**

"Hmm. Well, not quite," Snape recalled, "James was the one that got all the girls. Sirius only got the_ leftovers_ who wanted to make James jealous."

"Liar," Sirius said, "tell them, Moony."

"Actually, Severus is more or less right." Lupin admitted.

"It's not like_ you_ ever got any girls." Sirius said to Snape.

"I didn't have to. I dated Lily Evans longer than James was married to her." Snape pointed out.

"You dated my mum?" Harry asked in outrage.

"Yes Potter. In fact, we were engaged in our sixth year."

"Why don't you continue?" Lupin suggested quickly to Umbridge, hoping to avoid a showdown between Snape and Harry. She scowled, but took the filthy half-breeds advice.

**"Well, my boyfriend broke up with me," I said, "and I was thinking you could teach me how win him back."**

**"That's a great idea!" said Sirius. "Dumbledore's made me the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, so I'll have plenty of time to give you romance lessons!"**

**"Okay!" I said happily, and we all walked away.**

**I'm not sure what Sirius' first lesson for Crystal should be. Any ideas?**

"So Sirius _is giving dating tips instead of doing his job_!" Hermione cried, appalled, "he might as well not even have classes!"

"You were_ engaged_ to her?!" Harry asked in astonishment.

Snape smiled nastily. "That's right, Potter."

Sirius snorted. "No, you weren't. Liar."

"Why don't we move on to chapter seven, Dolores?" Lupin said.

_That half-breed will be joining Minerva in that trunk_, Umbridge vowed to herself. But nonetheless, she turned the page and began to read chapter seven.


	7. Chapter 7

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

* * *

At the bottom of a trunk that once belonged to Barty Crouch, Minerva McGonagall was struggling to breathe in the freeze. She had never been a happy woman and hence there were only so many memories the Dementors could take from her. And she could tell they were hungry. Fortunately, she had mastered wandless magic and her Patronus was working for now. But she had heard of Dementors developing resistance to the Patronus after a long period of time.

McGonagall also knew that Dementors victims also lost the will to live. But McGonagall was not going to lie down and die. After all, she had sacred duties that keep her going: slaughtering Dolores Umbridge. That woman would be dead, Ministry law be damned. If they wanted to arrest her for killing Umbridge, they could go ahead. If didn't matter whether or not she lived after the hag was killed.

McGonagall had been fortunate again as Umbridge had forgotten to cast a ward on the trunk to prevent McGonagall from summoning food. Hence, rather than starve to death, she had quite enough to eat and, despite imprisonment, she actually felt quite well. As long as she could eat, she would survive until the Patronus was no longer resistant to Dementors.

McGonagall wondered who would fall for Winky's impersonation of her. Surely Severus and Pomona would notice. Granger would notice in seconds. The question was then: would Albus Dumbledore notice?

For the greatest wizard of his time, Dumbledore was sickeningly dim. He was generally incapable of recognizing sarcasm and insults, was extremely difficult to talk to and rarely noticed evil even as it was right under his nose. After all, the man had hired Quirell and Lockhart _within a year of each other._

McGonagall hoped that somebody was challenging the story. And indeed, at the very moment she thought that, two students were.

"â Śthe most pointless thing I've ever heard." Hermione said.

"I agree with her," Ron said, "we should just burn it."

"Well, that's not what I plan," Umbridge said, "so you'll just have to tolerate it. The next chapter of_ Becoming Female_ is called** Best class ever!**"

"Here come the bracelets." Cho predicted.

**The boys couldn't take their eyes off me as I walked into class the next day. I was wearing a gray polo shirt with a brown leather skirt, bright orange toe socks and purple saddle shoes. My green hair was styled in the shape of a lion, making it look like topiary. I also had underwear on.**

"I see Crystal's fashion sense hasn't improved much." Lavender noted. At the Slytherin, Pansy Parkinson keep banging her head against the table, hoping it would cause her to pass and go to the Hospital Wing so she didn't need to hear more-particularly as she was probably about to be called a slut.

**"Hi, I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" said Sirius while standing in front of us all at the front of the classroom. "Today we'll learn how to flirt. Flirting is an important defense against the Dark Forces because if you make an enemy fall in love with you, they won't want to kill you anymore. I'll pair you all off with someone of the opposite sex to practice flirting on. Unless anyone here is gay - is anyone gay?"**

**Crabbe and Goyle put their hands up, so Sirius paired them together. Then he went around the room, pairing everyone else up. He paired me with Draco.**

"Death Eaters don't fall in love," Snape said in outrage, "the Dark Lord_ hates_ love. Nothing the mutt is saying could work in real life."

**"No, I don't want to be with that slut!" yelled Draco. "She'll open her legs to anyone who has a thingy to put between them!"**

Professor Sprout snorted. "I see were being politically correct today."

**"Too bad," said Sirius, winking at me.**

**"Hey, you didn't pair me!" said Ron angrily.**

**"You aren't allowed to flirt because you're sexist," Sirius told him. "Now watch the other boys and observe the RIGHT way to treat a lady."**

**"Why would I want to treat bitches with respect?" laughed Ron. "This class sucks! I'm out of here!" Ron stalked out of the room to cut class.**

"About what I expected." Ginny said.

**"Hey Draco!" I said in a flirty voice.**

**"I'm not listening to you!" he shot back. "You're a slut!"**

**"No, I'm not!" I explained flirtily.**

"Well, if she's not, then she's very ignorant of clothing taste," Lavender said, "There are whorehouses where people are dressed more respectfully than Crystal."

**"Prove it," said Draco. I kissed him and the whole class cheered. It was a deep, meaningful kiss of true love! He would know now that I really loved him.**

**"Wow," he said when we came apart, "I guess I was wrong after all." I knew we would be together forever now.**

**"Crystal, you did great!" said Sirius. "Full marks for both of you!"**

"So, basically, Harry and Draco slobbering on each other is a sign of love." Cho noted dryly.

"That's the end of the chapter." Umbridge said.

"That's it?" Hermione asked, "it looks like _Venus god_ is starting to burn up."

"Well, move on to the next one." Remus suggested.

Umbridge sighed. Taking a half-breed orders seriously? This was a low point.


	8. Chapter 8

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

* * *

"The eighth chapter of _Becoming Female_," Umbridge read, "is titled** Me and Draco almost do it**."

Draco choked on his pumpkin juice while Seamus Finnegan snickered.

"Almost do what?" Ginny asked in confusion, missing the implications.

"Well, there actually not doing anything," Cho noted, "It says they_ almost_ 'do it'. So, whatever it is there doing they don't actually do."

**"I have bad news and good news," said Dumbledore at dinner. "First of all, Ron is missing -"**

**Before he could even finish his sentence, everyone but those sluts Pansy, Parvati, Lavender, and Millicent started cheering.**

Hermione snickered upon hearing Millicent's name added to_ Venus god_'s list of sluts. There were no Slytherins Hermione loathed more than Millicent-nobody on earth altogether, in fact, save for Rita Skeeter.

Ron sighed in relief._ Venus god _had written him out of the awful story. Good.

**"It seems he ran away during a Defence Against the Dark Arts class," Dumbledore continued.**

"Seems?" Harry asked, "Didn't a room full of people hear him say 'this class sucks, I'm out of here?'"

**"No one has seen him since. Now for the bad news: I lost my favorite Jonas Brother album!"**

**"I wonder where that sexist idiot went?" I asked Draco as Pansy started crying.**

Pansy scowled. Her patience for this ridicule was declining.

**"Who knows, but we're better off without him!" laughed Draco.**

**"Hey, this is my brother we're talking about!" shouted Ginny angrily. "I should be happi**"** er than anyone that that sexist slime is gone!"**

**"Sorry, Gin," I apologized. "We were being insensitive.**

Ginny snorted.

**But where could he have gone?"**

**"Maybe he moved to Texas," suggested Luna. "There are a lot sexist people there."**

"Now_ Venus god_ is condemning people for simply living in a certain location." Hermione said.

**"Yeah, that's probably what happened," I said, hoping this didn't have anything to do with what Ron said about having his revenge against me.**

"Yeah, it just_ might_ be a tad concerning if my nemesis disappeared for no reason." Sirius laughed.

**"Hey, now that Ron's gone we can wear sexy clothes without worrying about being raped!" said Hermione happily.**

"So Ron is the only threat women ever have of being raped?" Hermione asked in shock.

"I guess this means we can put foundation in our braids again." Astoria noted dryly.

Pansy kicked Draco after seeing his dreamy expression towards Astoria.

"**Let's all go shopping in Hogsmeade tomorrow!"**

"For clothes?" Lavender asked, "All you can find are those tacky gift shop items tourist buy when visiting Hogwarts."

**"Okay," said me, Ginny, Luna, and Padma. We all went to our common rooms. Draco brought me into the empty boys' dormitory.**

**"Hey, Crystal!" he said. "I want to show you how much I love you!"**

Hermione gasped in horror as she realized what was coming next.

"What is it, Miss Granger?" Umbridge asked, sensing opportunity for humiliation.

"Nothing." Hermione lied.

"I don't believe you," "McGonagall" said gleefully, "What do you expect?"

Hermione keep quiet.

**He started snogging and excitedly pulling off each other's clothes. By the time we were down to our underwear, I was getting really turned on!**

Seamus Finnegan whistled.

Winky, or "McGonagall," exit the high table, strolled down the Great Hall and approached Seamus, then slapped him hard in the face. "That'll teach you to talk filthy in my school."

Seamus stared in a horrified shock, as did the rest of the school. Hermione's hand was clapped over her mouth. Ron dropped his fifteenth sausage and instead stared. McGonagall had never hesitated to tell students when they were full of garbage, but she had never endangered her students. Even Snape and Filch seemed genuinely disgusted.

Umbridge however, was not disgusted. She was furious. Not because Finnegan had been hit, but because the foolish elf did it in public. "Minerva, I'm surprised at you!" she said quickly, "I think you and I need to have a talk. Headmaster, will you read while I am gone?"

"Very well," Dumbledore said, "My apologies, Mr. Finnegan. We do not tolerate that at Hogwarts and I will have my own talk with you later, Minerva. Take Mr. Finnegan to the hospital wing."

Umbridge and Winky walked out of the room. Seamus was taken to the hospital wing by Professor Sprout.

"I suppose I'll read, now," Dumbledore said when the hall had slightly overcome its astonishment.

**"Hey, what's going on here!" yelled Blaise Zabini, standing in the entrance of the dormitory with Crabbe and Goyle.**

"Does he really have to ask?" Sirius said.

**"Do you MIND?" Draco demanded. "Can't you see I'm a little BUSY here!"**

**"No, we went to go to sleep NOW!" Blaise said impatiently. "Make her leave!"**

"'We went to go to sleep?'" Hermione repeated, "Shouldn't it say 'we want to go to sleep' or is_ Venus god_ saying 'went' as in going to the dormitory?"

"Probably the first." Ginny predicted.

**"I'm sorry, I guess you'll have to leave," he told me.**

Harry and Draco sighed in relief.

**"It's okay," I replied. "It's not your fault."**

**I felt sad that I didn't get to have sex with Draco, but I put on my clothes because I couldn't go back to my dormitory in just my underwear because then Pansy and Millicent would think I was a slut like them!**

"Frankly, Crystal is sounding sluttier and sluttier as the story goes on." Pavarti said.

**After I got back to my dormitory, I stripped to my underwear and went to bed.**

"I have to speak to Professor McGonagall and Mr. Finnegan, so we won't be reading anything until next week. And the teachers have asked me to tell you to stop bringing_ Becoming Female_ into classes. That is all."

Seven hours later, Harry and Ron couldn't get anything sleep. They decided to go down to the common room, where they saw Hermione sitting in the couch. Usually when they found Hermione awake, she would be reading a book. But Hermione merely stared into space.

"Hermione?" Ron said gently, not wanting to irritate her.

"Something's not right at Hogwarts," Hermione said darkly, "there's no way that McGonagall would ever hit a student. And that story is destroying everything."

"But she_ did_ hit a student," Ron noted, "and the Aurors found no Dark Magic in that story, remember?"

"I'm not saying the story has Dark Magic, but it definitely has dark purposes. And McGonagall has been acting really strange since that time she and Umbridge came in late."

"You think Umbridge did something to McGonagall?" Harry asked.

"I'm almost certain of it. But we need proof. We need to keep watch over Umbridge. But how will we?"

Harry grinned. "I think Dumbledore's Army has a new mission, Hermione."

_A/N: I will not be able to post chapter nine until the middle of November. I will be adding more chapters to "The Memory Potion" though. Special thanks to all my readers._


	9. Chapter 9

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

* * *

"Well, your reports were very interesting," Remus Lupin was telling the Muggle Studies class, "quite interesting."

"Unfortunately, every single one of you wrote about_ Becoming Female_," Sirius said in amusement, "except Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley. The topic was_ hairdryers_, not that awful story. They will be the only ones getting full marks."

The class protested, but Lupin held his hand up to silence them. "Write your reports on the actual subjects. Anyway, Professor Umbridge has asked you to go to the Great Hall once class is over."

Ron groaned in irritation while the tower bell rang to announce the new hour.

"Well, I suppose we better get to the Great Hall then." Remus led the eager students to the Great Hall.

"I'm afraid I have unfortunate news to report," Umbridge said, "Minerva McGonagall has escaped from Hogwarts."

Silence filled the room.

"Mr. Finnegan's parents have removed him from Hogwarts for safety concerns, in case anyone actually cares. Anyway, I will now read chapter nine. The chapter is titled** Shopping Day!**"

Lavender groaned. "With Crystal's taste in clothing, this can't end well."

**I went to Hogsmeade the next day with Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Padma, and Sibyll.**

"Hermione and Professor Trelawney as friends?" Harry said.

"Never," Ron said, "say, were is Hermione?"

Umbridge fumed in irritation as she realized Granger had skipped her reading. "Miss Granger will simply be getting detention."

**I was wearing an orange and purple kimono with underwear on underneath. I also had on fishnet stockings and brown moccasins.**

"She wears fishnets?" Ginny asked in astonishment.

**My hair was orange now,**

"What is Crystal's hair color anyway?" Cho asked, "It's been changing every chapter."

**with purple and pink highlights, and styled into an afro.**

"She's wearing an afro?" Ginny asked in shock.

**Hermione was wearing a gray ballerina outfit with purple go-go boots and underwear.**

"Now she's forcing her fashion sense on Hermione." Cho said in dread.

**Ginny had on a maroon cocktail dress with underwear on underneath and a green mop top.**

"So I wore a top over my dress?" Ginny asked, "Who does that?"

**Luna only had on an orange and purple one-piece while Padma was rocking a blue and orange sarafan dress with underwear, flip-flops, and her purple hair in a mullet.**

Padma started at pure disgust. "My hair isn't even purple!"

"Maybe everybody's hair changes in the story." Ron suggested.

Padma thought about it. "I guess makes sense. Actually, no, it makes no sense, but I think your right."

**Suddenly, Sibyll stepped out of the changing room. She was wearing an orange ayam on her navy blue hair, which was styled into dreadlocks! She had on a red and orange plaid ball gown with green tights, purple boat shoes and olive rubber gloves!**

Ginny giggled at the idea of Professor Trelawney wearing rubber gloves. "How are oven gloves a fashion statement?"

**I couldn't see it, but I assumed she was wearing underwear - probably a purple and yellow shelf bra and a green taffeta string thong with a picture of an purple puppy dog on it!**

"Excuse me; I need to lie down in the Hospital Wing." Professor Sprout said upon hearing this description. She exited the Great Hall.

**She looked exactly like Megan Fox!**

"I thought Crystal looked like Megan Fox?" Neville recalled.

"**Wow, you look sexy!" we all said.**

**"I foresaw this would be a great combination," said Sibyll. We all laughed.**

**"I hated your classes," Hermione said to Sybill, "but it's awesome to spend time with you!"**

"I don't think _Venus god_ really knows Hermione to well." Ron said.

**"I don't know why those sluts Parvati and Lavender like me so much," said Sybill shaking her head. "I've predicted many times that they'll ruin their lives by wearing practically nothing and sleeping with every boy in Hogwarts."**

Lavender sighed. "I wonder how long the lists of sluts is."

**"You're just that awesome," explained Ginny.**

Ginny sunk her head into her hands. "Ugh, this is a particularly bad chapter."

**"I like that outfit," Luna said to me, "but I think you need to push it further if you're going go out with Draco again. You'll have to look your best."**

**"And you'll need great underwear," added Ginny. "If you're going to have sleep with him, he'll see it."**

Harry took a leaf from Ginny's book and buried his head in his hands as well. He had been indifferent to the chapter until it was brought up again that "Crystal" was dating Draco.

**"Do I have to do that?" I asked.**

**"You don't want to have sex with Draco?" asked Padma in surprise. "That's every girl in the castle's dream!"**

"Who's the slut now?" Pansy said.

"Is that really every girl's dream?" Neville asked.

"Of course," Draco said, arrogance dripping from his voice, "after all, who could resist?"

Pansy gave Draco a hard kick. "You and I are going to have a very unpleasant talk once we get back to the common room!"

**"I don't know," I said uncertainly. "I'm a virgin so it's very confusing. What if it's terrible and we never talk to each other again? What if I get pregnant and he gets scared away?"**

"Then this story, thanks be to Merlin, will be completed and will never bother us again." Snape said.

**"That won't happen," Sibyll assured me in a motherly voice. "Draco really loves and he'll stay with you in matter what."**

Ron snorted. "Let's remember this woman predicted Harry's death two years ago and he's still alive."

**"You're right," I said, feeling better. "I'm going to go through with it!" We all cheered!**

"Sluts" Pansy muttered.

**Later me and Luna went up to the Shrieking Shack to talk about Sirius.**

"_What_?" Ginny said, "Couldn't they talk about Sirius _anywhere_? Why the Shrieking Shack?"

**"It's so cool that Sirius is a teacher now," said Luna. "He's really hot!"**

**"That's my godfather you're talking about!" I yelled. Luna laughed and I did too.**

Everyone looked at Luna, who merely stared back in boredom. Clearly this wasn't as interesting to her as the Crumpled-Horned Snorkack.

**"Hey there, you stupid girls!" shouted an ugly sexist voice.**

**I gasped! Ron was walking right up to us followed by three Death Eaters.**

Ginny burst into giggles.

"It's not funny." Ron said.

"Well, that's the end of chapter nine," Umbridge said, "go back to your dorms. Except you two" she said while pointing toward Ron and Harry.

Everyone walked to their dorms talking about _Becoming Female_, except Pansy and Draco, who were yelling at each other about something pointless.

Umbridge looked around, and upon seeing the hall was completely empty, spoke in a vicious voice.

"Tell Miss Granger that if she skips another reading she'll be tried with sedition, the punishment for which varies between ninety years in Azkaban to death."

"You're kidding!" Ron roared in outrage.

Umbridge grinned nastily. "I'm not. Now go to your dorms."

Ron watched Umbridge in hatred, "Well, let's go to Gryffindor Tower."

The Fat Lady allowed them enterance. "Hermione? We got loads to tell you!"

"Hermione's not here," Neville said, "nobody's seen her since Muggle Studies."

"Well, she can't have just-"but then realization hit Ron. He and Harry ran to the seventh floor and once alone, they walked to the Room of Requirement, where Hermione calmly sat and read.

"Where were you?" Ron said, "Umbridge went crazy about you being gone!"

"I was reading the Marauders Map. McGonagall is in Umbridge's office."

"Umbridge said McGonagall escaped." Harry recalled.

"Well, she lied. But when I used that mirror-"she pointed across the room to a mirror through which they could see Umbridge was filing paperwork, "-to get a look, I couldn't see her anywhere. But the map says she around where that trunk is."

Harry looked closely. "That's the trunk where Moody was hidden last year."

Hermione nodded. "Obviously there's only one sensible thing to do. We'll raid Umbridge's office."

"RAID UMBRIDGE'S OFFICE?" Ron yelled, "THAT'S_ THE_ MOST DANGEROUS THING WE CAN DO!'

"We have no choice, Ron," Hermione said, "Umbridge runs the Ministry; the elected officials are simply her pawns. We'll need to have a joint DA-Order invasion."

"But the Order doesn't know about the DA," Harry reminded her, "and they probably wouldn't be too pleased."

"That's why you'll go to Lupin and tell him everything. The Order won't listen to Sirius, but they'll listen to Lupin. And do it quickly, because I don't think Umbridge is too far from accomplishing her goals."


	10. Chapter 10

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

* * *

"Lupin refused believe McGonagall was in the trunk." Harry grimly whispered to Hermione and Ron while entering the Great Hall.

"Harry! You were supposed to pursuade him!" Hermione hissed.

"I will know read chapter ten of _Becoming Female,_" Umbridge roared, "The chapter is titled** It's so unfair!**"

"Ugh," Ginny groaned, "a whole chapter devoted to_ Venus god's_ tantrums. Well, this ought to be good."

**"RON, THERE ARE DEATH EATERS BEHIND YOU!" we yelled.**

**"Yeah, I know," laughed Ron. "I've joined them." He pulled up his sleeve to reveal the Dark Mark.**

Ginny burst into uproarious laughter.

"Why do you think this is funny I'm a Deah Eater in this?" Ron asked.

"I don't know," Ginny said giggling, "I just find it hillarious."

**We gasped!**

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Only forty-five more chapters..."

**"That's Harry Potter right there!" he laughed, pointing at us.**

**"I think that's Luna Lovegood," said Fenrir cluelessly.**

**"No, the other one, you idiot!" yelled Ron angrily. "Potter was turned into a girl by a potion accident!"**

**"How did you know?" I asked, knowing Ron wasn't smart enough to work it out on his own.**

Ginny snorted. "I can't believe anybody hates Ron this much. Malfoy, prehaps, but _Ron_?"

**"I overheard Gilderoy talking about it with Seamus," Ron explained.**

"Some secret keeper," Cho said, "I see he's a moron in this story too."

**"Why didn't you tell ME, Potter!"**

**"Because you're sexist!" yelled Luna.**

"As if we don't know that." Professer Sprout said.

**"Well, we'll see who's sexist now!" laughed Ron in an evil voice. "GET THEM!**

**The Death Eaters started chasing us! We got the rest of the girls and quickly finished up our shopping before they could catch us.**

Hermione buried her head. "Even now they only care about shopping! I hate all these characters, including _myself_."

**Then we ran into Hogwarts. Dumbledore slammed the door in the Death Eaters' faces.**

"That's all he did?" Ron asked in shock, "The greatest wizard of all time but he simply slams the door."

**"This is bad," said Dumbledore, wearing a scuba diving outfit and a clown nose.**

**"Why are you dressed like that?" asked Ginny.**

**"Trust me, you don't want to know," explained Dumbledore.**

Ginny began giggling at the idea of Dumbledore wearing such attire.

**"Ron is on the loose!" I shouted. "He's joined the Death Eaters and he's sexist!"**

"Didn't Dumbledore already know Ron was sexist in the first chapter?" Hermione asked.

Ron nodded in confirmation. "'Are you going to be sexist like Ron?'"

**"Uh, oh," said Dumbledore in a worried voice. "I'll have to tell the Ministry of Magic."**

**"But they'll do something stupid and make everything worse!" yelled Hermione. "They might even send Umbridge to take over again."**

A errie silence entered the Great Hall as Umbridge's face turned a firey red. After opening her mouth and closing several times, clearly thinking of what to say, she decided to pretend she had read nothing.

"Well, at least your still the voice of reason in this story." Ron whispered.

Hermione shook her head. "That's hardly a accomplishment when Crystal is the main character. And I don't it's reasonable to_ shop through a Death Eater attack!_"

**"Probably," Dumbledore admitted, "but I'll take the chance.**

"So, the greatest wizard in the world, who has incomprehensable power both in terms of magic and Hogwarts itself, chooses to surrender?" Ginny asked incredously.

Dumbledore blushed. "It's lucky it's dark out. I haven't blushed this badly since Madame Pomfrey liked my earmuffs."

**"Now go to your rooms." We all went to our rooms sadly.**

"The chapter ends here." Umbridge announced.

"That's it?" Hermione said in shock.

Before Umbridge could answer, a crow flew into the Great Hall and dropped off a Howler for Ron.

"What did you do?' Harry asked.

"Nothing, it must-" Ron quit speaking upon reading the envelope.

_RON IS SO SEXIST!_

_FROM VENUS GOD_

"_Venus god_?" Hermione asked in horror, "she wrote you this?"

The letter opened itself. A loud, demonic voice emerged from the envelope.

"_RON WEASLEY YOU FILTHY SEXIST! YOUR SEXIST DAYS ARE NUMBERED! I WILL KILL YOU BECAUSE YOUR SEXIST!"_

The envelope burst into flames.

"Well," Dumbledore said, "that was quite historic. Hogwarts has never had a death threat against a student."

"But how could they have sent it in the middle off the day? Wards block owls after ten in the morning."

"Well, it's obvious," Dumbledore said, "_Venus god_ is in this very room."


	11. Chapter 11

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

* * *

_A/N: Sorry it's been a while. Before you read, try saying "Mary Sue" as many times as you can as a tribute to "Crystal!"_

"Hogwarts will always give help to those who need it." So the hold motto went. And, with the search for_ Venus god_ unsuccessful, the teachers really needed help. It couldn't be a student because all of them passed the Truth-Telling Charm, yet_ Venus god_ had to have been in the Great Hall.

The next day, Umbridge went to the Great Hall. "I will now read chapter eleven of _Becoming Female_. The chapter is titled**Umbridge returns**" Umbridge stared in shock, having not realized what it had said until now.

"Return from where?" Lupin asked. Umbridge reminded herself she still needed to dispose of the half-breed.

Sorry I took so long to update. Here's a new chapter. Yay!

"Yeah? More like 'oh, no, not another one!'" Ginny said.

**The next morning I looked out the window and gasped! There were dementors flying around the school.**

**"Oh no, Voldemort's attacking!" I screamed.**

Hermione rolled her eyes. "The_ Ministry_ controls dementors."

**I realized I had to get to the Great Hall as fast as possible, so I quickly put on tweed underwear, a blood red tank top, a pink hobble skirt, and orange sandals.**

Cho snickered. "That sounds like a fast action."

**Then I ran upstairs with Pansy and Millicent to the Great Hall.**

"Didn't Crystal call them both sluts?" Harry asked.

Hermione nodded. "She implied a while ago they share a dorm."

**We saw Umbridge there!**

"I guess they sent her in after all." Ron whispered.

**"There are dementors attacking the school!" I yelled.**

**"Yeah, I know," said Umbridge proudly. "They're guarding the school like when Sirius Black escaped. Ten points from Slytherin for questioning my methods!"**

**We went to our seats and the rest of the students came in. Umbridge started talking in her ugly, slutty voice.**

Umbridge stared in silence. Pure rage had once again emerged on her face. She ultimately decided to do nothing.

**"The Ministry has learned that a sexist student named Ron has joined the Death Eaters," she said to everyone. "In order to protect the rest of the students from this Ron, who is still in the area, the Ministry has taken over Hogwarts. I am now headmistress again!"**

"Headmistress? Hogwarts hasn't had a Headmistress since the 1600's!" Snape protested.

Umbridge froze. It was indeed her goal to become headmistress, but that plan required careful manipulation. This story might be as big of a threat as it was a tool.

**"Noooooooooo!" I screamed.**

Ginny shrugged. "Pretty weak compared to the scream Snape gave a few days ago."

**"Dumbledore isn't here anymore," Umbridge continued. "Fudge sent him and Hagrid to Azkaban because he's homophobic.**

Several students snickered at this

**We've gotten rid of McGonagall too and now Lucius Malfoy is taking her place."**

**"Hey," said Lucius, who was at the staff table.**

Draco groaned, knowing his father would be portrayed negatively.

**"Don't worry, Lucius has agreed to not let other Death Eaters into Hogwarts," Umbridge assured us. "I know he's telling the truth because we did a pinky swear about it together.**

Cho cracked up. "Oh, yes, that's deeper than a Unbreakable Vow by far!"

**Also Wormtail will be taking over for Hagrid. I don't see how any of this could go wrong and if you question any of it, you'll get detention writing with the Blood Quill."**

Umbridge froze at "Blood Quill." Several students who had received the Quill were staring at her in rage, Potter's face by far showing the most hatred.

**"How could she DO this?" I asked Draco as we walked down a hall. Draco looked sad.**

**"My dad will want me to join his side when he brings the other Death Eaters in," said Draco. "I can't betray him - he'd ground me forever.**

"Oh, yes that's a far bigger threat than Voldemort!" Professer Sprout said.

**I guess we have to break up now. I'm sorry."**

**I started to cry. Umbridge had ruined everything!**

"More liked saved the day," Ginny said, "know it's almost over!"

"Actually there's forty more chapters. Read on, Dolores!" Dumbledore said.

"I think we've had enough today. Go to class." Umbridge said than ran out of the Great Hall with the book.

Umbridge considered burning _Becoming Female_ but ultimately decided she needed the book no matter how much it insulted her. Still, Umbridge slammed the book repeatedly against her desk.

"Mistress!" Winky called, "The dementors are patronous-resistant. McGonagall is dead!"

A cold grin emerged on Umbridge's face. Her first major triumph had occured.


	12. Chapter 12

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

* * *

_So, it's been a ridiculously long time since I updated. Well, here I am. Let's see what our "friends" think of their Care of Magical Creatures class..._

The teachers gathered around Dumbledore's office. Umbridge had gone to the Ministry for some sort of conference, so they could speak freely for the next seven hours.

"I'm starting to think that McGonagall was correct in her analysis," Snape said, "she has to be writing the story herself."

Professer Sprout disagreed. "That woman is far too vain to write an entire chapter critical of herself. Though I do think she sent that Howler to Weasley."

"Speaking of which, where is McGonagall?" Lupin asked, "the house-elves insist that she died and Umbridge burned the corpse, yet the werewolves insisted they saw her flee the castle on the night. And Hermione told me she's still marked as being in Umbridge's trunk. It can't be all three at once."

"Well, McGonagall's mysterious actions aside, let's return to the worst of it. The students effects," Dumbledore looked grave, "as you clearly have noticed, the students have begun to devote there lives around the story. They are failing classes and spending all their time obsessing over the story. Fudge wrote and said that if they were considering having an inquiry at the Ministry, no doubt Umbridge will push them into it."

"Not all the students have been affected by the story," Snape reminded them, "Weasley and Granger are quite critical of it. Mr. Malfoy and Miss Parkinson are too busy fighting too pay much attention. Potter doesn't seem to care for it. Miss Chang has repeatedly criticized the story as well."

"In any case, I have been assigned to read chapter twelve of _Becoming Female_," Dumbledore sighed wearily, "so now we must go to the Great Hall and continue this discussion while we are gone."

"You can't be serious." Snape said.

"The worst thing would be to read more!" professor Sprout cried in outrage.

"It's too late," Dumbledore said, "many students get destructive when they go long periods without another update. To the Great Hall!"

The teachers watched as the students looked eager, with notable exceptions.

"I can't believe we have to hear more of this." Hermione snarled under her breath. Ron nodded in agreement.

"The chapter," Dumbledore read, "is titled **Care of magical creatures!**"

**We went to Care of Magical creatures, where Wormtail was teaching. Me and Draco weren't talking anymore because I didn't want him to get in trouble and I didn't know if Lucius knew my true identity.**

"Given that Lockhart blabbed to everyone, I'd say he does." Ron said glumly.

**"Today, we'll learn about the Cruciatus Curse," said Wormtail in a ratty voice. "I'll be casting it on students I don't like."**

**"What does that have to do with Care of Magical Creatures?" asked Luna angrily.**

**"Because taking care of Hagrid's stupid creatures is stressful," said Wormtail, "and I want to take it out on someone. Now, who wants to go first?"**

Hermione rolled her eyes.

**Suddenly, everyone behind me backed away without me noticing.**

Most of the student's gasped in horror, while Ron snickered. "Nobody deserves it more than her." Upon seeing Harry's eyebrows raise, she added "I don't consider Crystal to be you."

**"Well done, Miss Potter, well done," said Wormtail. "Crucio!"**

**The curse hit me in the face. I screamed and cried as Wormtail laughed in an evil voice.**

"What a detailed description." Cho said sardonically.

**"Stop!" yelled Draco, who had tears in his amazing blue eyes. "This is wrong! You're hurting her!"**

**"How DARE you!" yelled Wormtail loudly. "You're betraying your father! I'm telling!" Then Wormtail ran away.**

"Couldn't he have just cast the curse on Malfoy as well?" Ginny asked.

**"You shouldn't have done that!" I told Draco. "Now they'll make you write with the Blood Quill!"**

**"It's worth it," said Draco. "I couldn't stand to see you tortured like that."**

**"Oh, Draco," I said as I began to cry. "What will become of us? I'm so scared! Are we going to die?"**

"Finger's crossed." Cho said.

**"No, we'll go to Gilderoy for help," said Draco in a mannish way. "He'll be able to fix everything just like he did when Ron attacked you in the 3 Broomsticks."**

"Solve everything?" Hermione asked, "that caused the crisis in the first place!"

**I nodded tearfully and we went to Gilderoy's office.**

**"Lucius Malfoy is probably going to make Death Eaters attack Hogwarts!" I told Gilderoy. "You've got to do something! I'm so scared!"**

**"Don't worry, Sirius and I are working on a plan," Gilderoy said handsomely.**

"I doubt it'll get passed the hypothesis stage." Hermione said, the looked at the students. _Why are they staring at me with such...anger?_

**"Just don't let Umbridge find out or she'll send us to Azkaban."**

**"Okay," I said, still feeling very worried. Draco kissed me and I wrapped my arms and legs around him. I felt so safe in his arms!**

Ginny gagged. "I think I would have cast a memory charm on myself.

**"I'm just going to go now," said Gilderoy awkwardly and he walked out of the room.**

**Draco smiled at me.**

Cho rolled her eyes. "Oh, strong ending."

"That is the end of the story. We'll leave it here for when Professor Umbridge returns."

"Well, at least that's over." Cho said. Cho went to the library to study her Charms. Cho was assigned to study wordless cheering charms, which Flitwick had implied would play a major role in N.E.W.T.'s. Luna entered the library with large suitcases, about half of which looked familiar.

Cho looked up and saw it was Luna, then looked back down at her book after giving a cordial "Hi, Luna."

"Hi, Cho," Luna said friendly, "I brought all your things."

Cho tried to hide a smile. Luna was often eccentric. "You didn't have to bring me all my things."

"Actually, I did," Luna said with uncharacteristic hesitance, "you and I been banished...from Hogwarts."

Cho dropped her book and it fell on the floor. "What?!"

"I'm afraid that Miss Lovegood is correct," Dumbledore said, "the Ministry passed another educational decree during Umbridge's conference at the Ministry giving Ravenclaws special privileges to vote out House members."

"It was a landslide," Luna said bitterly, "you and I are were voted out with only Flitwick voting to keep us in. In effect, we are expelled"

Cho shook her head. "How could this be happening? We haven't done anything to them."

"We weren't supportive of _Becoming Female_." Luna noted.

"You mean... Umbridge did something so they would vote us out?"

Dumbledore nodded wearily. "A train is scheduled to approach at eight o'clock tomorrow morning to take you back home. It was a pleasure having both of you. I suggest you return any library books you still have." He gently waved and exited the library.

Cho fell to her knees and sobbed uncontrollably. Luna held her reassuringly, wondering if the DA had a chance.


	13. Chapter 13

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

* * *

Educational Decree Twenty-Three replaced Educational Decree Twenty-Two. Decree Twenty-Two had given Ravenclaws rights to vote out House members. Decree Twenty-Three repealed this. It was now clear it had been nothing more than a weapon to eliminate Cho and Luna.

"Mistress is not far from taking over Hogwarts." Winky noted.

Umbridge grinned nastily. "No, Winky, I am near victory. And all because of your wonderful help."

Winky bowed on her knees. "Mistress is so kind! Winky has never meet a magical person as kind as Mistress and Harry Potter."

Umbridge frowned briefly at the elves admiration of Potter.

"Will Mistress make Winky her elf when she takes over?"

Umbridge nodded in disapproval. "No, Winky. I respect your freedom."

Winky broke down in tears. "Oh, Mistress truly is wonderful!"

Umbridge would have exterminated Lupin and the werewolves by now if she wasn't planning to feed Winky to them, to prevent the elf's memory from ever being searched. But she calculated elves would be more inclined to join the army she was planning to build if she pretended to support their rights, then she would enslave them. But for now, Winky was one of her two best allies.

Umbridge was arrogant about her success. Five months already, and not one person had noticed that Fudge was under her Imperius Curse. She had worried that his shift from Dumbledore's _de facto_ therapy client to a puppet in her defamation campaign against him would have raised flags, but luck was rewarding her. She was in control of the Ministry-more than even McGonagall assumed.

The teachers thought Umbridge was a pawn of Fudge. It was vice versa.

Even less known was that on the day that Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban, his Gringotts vault had been raided empty by unknown forces. A report had gone to the Ministry's Department of Finance, but was never made public. Dolores Umbridge, of course, has been in charge of that department back then. The money from Black's vault had helped fund her army, which would fight the Order when they inevitably declared war on her. Black's release complicated this slightly, of course, but by the time he noticed it would be too late.

Hence, she was in a very happy mood when she entered the Great Hall. The other teachers, by contrast, were dismayed. They had been unsuccessful in urging Fudge to overturn Cho and Luna's expulsion. Worse, a riot had broken out in the Hufflepuff common room over wether or not Ron was sexist. Four Auror squads had to be called to keep the peace. Severus literally blackmailed the_ Daily Prophet_ into keeping this incident out of the press, but he was running out of material to scare them with. Eventually, the story of_ Becoming Female_ would be released, and the Ministry would replace Dumbledore.

"Today we shall read chapter thirteen," Umbridge said, "it's titled **Umbridge catches us!**"

"Finally!" Ginny cried, "it's almost over!"

"It's twenty-three percent over," Hermione corrected her glumly, "it's fifty-five chapters."

Ginny laid her face down in dread.

**"Do you want to... you know," he said awkwardly.**

Hermione gagged. "Ugh. Well, at least Seamus isn't here this time."

**We could die tonight when Lucius brings in the Death Eaters," I pointed out.**

"Let's hope so." Ron said.

**"I don't want to die a virgin."**

"I honestly don't care as long as you finally vanish from this earth." Ginny said.

**"Okay, but we could get in real trouble for doing it in a teacher's office,"**

"What? There defiling each other in a teacher's office?" Ginny asked in astonishment, "are they trying to get caught?"

"Well, the chapter said they were caught by Umbridge," Lavander observed, "hopefully she'll punish them severely."

_Oh, I'll be punishing people severely soon_, Umbridge thought.

**said Draco as he started romantically rubbing his forehead against my cheek.**

Fred and George burst into chuckles while Neville practically choked on pumpkin juice.

"He what?" Pavarti and Snape asked at the same time in astonishment.

**"I don't care anymore," I said. "I only want your love, Draco!"**

"I'm about to let off a mountain of vomit." Professor Sprout said in disgust.

**Draco threw me on Gilderoy's desk**

"I hope it caused her to pass out." Hermione said.

**and jumped on top of me there.**

"That sounds more like something Ron would do in this story." Flitwick pointed out.

"I'm not sexist." Ron muttered, to no avail.

**He started kissing me passionately, causing my arms and legs to twist around and knock Gilderoy's photos of himself onto the floor.**

"Probably because she wanted to flee." Pansy said dryly. Draco stared at her in shocked outrage.

**I felt so turned on as Draco started to pull off his rumchunder sports jacket**

"What the hell is rumchunder?" Ron asked.

"Rumchunder is an extremely rare type of Muggle silk," Snape explained, "presumably_ Venus god _found the word in a dictionary and used it to sound educated."

**and maroon T-shirt with Robert Pattinson on it, revealing his sexy chest.**

"How could she see Draco's chest through a shirt?" Ginny wondered, "and it's probably not to impressive a sight."

"It isn't." Pansy whispered. Draco looked furious while several Slytherin girls giggled.

**At the same time, I pulled off my oxford tank top,**

"Like Crystal will ever get into Oxford." Hermione said.

**though I still had my bra on. As Draco came down to kiss me again, he pushed his hot pink pants down.**

Gryffinrors cheered at Draco's embarassment. Pansy laughed at him as well.

"Now, now," Sirius said, trying to hold back a laugh, "we should applaud Draco's nerve. Not everyone has the nerve to wear pink." Draco scowled.

**After he kicked his pants onto the floor, Draco reached behind me to start undoing my forest green bra.**

"Oh, I hope Umbridge comes soon." Professor Sprout said.

**"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!"**

"Take a guess." Sirius said.

**Draco jumped off the desk and I looked up to see Umbridge!**

"About time." Professer Sprout said.

**I covered my bra with my hands,**

"I'd be more worried about your semi-exposed chest than your clothing." Ginny said.

**but Draco was wearing nothing but his purple angora boxers, orange rugby socks,**

Neville felt embarrassed as he recalled he was wearing both items at that moment.

**and suede shoes. I was so embarrassed!**

"As you should be," Snape scolded,"and to think she accuses every female but herself of being a slut."

"That's rather sexist of _Venus god_, isn't it?" Professor Sprout observed, "but no, it's_ Ron_ we need to worry about."

**"Please, don't tell anyone!" I begged. Umbridge laughed.**

**"I'm going to tell the whole school!" she laughed. "Even your father, Draco! And you're both going to have detention with the Blood Quill tonight!**

Umbridge nearly dropped the book. This was the second time _Venus god _brought that up. Was this author out to get her?

"I can't say I'm sorry for them, sadly." Lavander said.

**No one has sex in MY school!"**

"At least she's consistent," Ginny said, "which is more than I can say about Crystal."

**"It's not your school, it's Dumbledore's!" yelled Draco, who was standing there shaking.**

**"It's mine now!" said Umbridge evilly. "And you two are going to be watched at all times so you can't try to to have sex ever again!"**

Flitwick shrugged. "Fair enough."

**I felt a sharp stab in my heart! This was so unfair! Draco was my true love and now I couldn't even give myself to him! Would Umbridge let us even kiss?**

"Let's hope not." Professer Sprout said.

**Umbridge laughed!**

**"If I hear about you trying to have sex again," she said, "you're both expelled forever!"**

"Well, were getting closer to the end, at least." Ginny said.

"Read on, Dolores!" Dumbledore said.


	14. Chapter 14

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

* * *

"Chapter fourteen of _Becoming Female_ is titled** Detention with the Blood Quill.**" Umbridge felt faint and began to shiver wildly. How could she get around this? This author was out to get her. Yet it was her greatest weapon. The teachers stared at her in suspicion while the nearly all the students were eagerly waiting for her to start reading.

"Before we read, I have a message from the Ministry I would like to read-" Umbridge began.

"READ IT LATER!" Colin Creevy screamed.

"Er...very well." Umbridge said. She would have to read the chapter, however damaging it might be.

**Draco and I went to detention with Umbridge that night. She was sitting in her office with the pictures of kittens and stuff.**

**"I want you to write that you will not have sex ever in your lives," said Umbridge. "You won't be needing any ink."**

Ginny snorted at the stupidity, but Potter was staring at Umbridge in pure venom.

**"Yeah, I've done this before," I said without thinking.**

Umbridge was astonished. _How did Venus god find out about this?_ Only McGonagall had learned about it, and she was dead. Umbridge had burned her very corpse not a week before.

Sirius looked at Harry's visible rage and Umbridge's anxiety. He shook his head. _No, it can't be... of all things, even for that woman._ But in his heart he knew it must be true.

**"What do you mean?" asked Umbridge. "I've never met you before in my life, Crystal Potter."**

"Look's like Crystal's game is about over." Professor Sprout noted.

**"Oh, never mind," I said quickly. "I just misspoke."**

**"Okay, that makes sense," said Umbridge.**

Snape buried his head in his hands. _Honestly, this characters are woefully stupid. Even Goyle is not as third as dumb as Crystal Potter, which I didn't think was possible without forgetting how to breathe._ He made a sneering noise.

"Practicing for Potion's, Snape, or just displeased with the story?" Sirius asked.

"The latter." Snape said. He would never forgive Dumbledore for hiring that mutt who tried to execute him. Lupin was semi-tolerable at best, but for Black, twelve years in Azkaban was inadequate punishment in Snape's eye for all he had done, even if falsely accused.

**Draco and I started writing the message while Umbridge drank Sprite from her tea cup. Of course, we didn't mean it and we were planning to have sex as soon as we got away from Umbridge.**

"Wow, and yet she's still calling other people sluts." Lavander said.

**In fact, while Umbridge wasn't looking, Draco used the Blood Quill to draw a heart with my name in it, causing it to briefly appear on his hand like a tattoo. I even crossed a "t" for Draco so that we would be blood brother and sister.**

"I'm on the verge of throwing up." Professer Sprout said.

"Your not alone." Ron muttered.

**Suddenly, there was a a loud boom. We looked out the window and saw a whole bunch of Death Eaters running into the castle!**

The students gasped.

**Umbridge screamed and dropped her tea cup on the floor! Lucius burst into the office with Fenrir, Bellatrix and Ron.**

"Three Knuts to whoever guesses correctly who the leader is." Fred said.

**"How COULD you!" Umbridge shrieked. "I thought we had a deal! We did a pinky swear, remember?"**

**"I had my fingers crossed behind my back," said Lucius smugly.**

**"Damn the loopholes!" yelled Umbridge.**

Ginny burst into chuckles. "What a fool."

Umbridge was astonished at the inaccuracy. She was not the type to enter a deal with loopholes.

**"Avada Kedavra!" said Lucius, pointing his wand at Umbridge. She flew out the window and fell into the moat.**

A wave of fury entered Umbridge's face, but was suddenly replaced by a look of joy. If she was dead in the story, Umbridge realized, the author couldn't write anything about her that would foil her plan.

**"Ha, now there's one less ugly woman in the world!" laughed Ron happily.**

"Can't disagree with that." Neville whispered. Ginny and Dean took ever ounce of strength they had not to laugh.

Ron, by contrast, felt irritated. "I'm sick of this," he told Harry, "I'm the only character she hates."

"Well, no," Lavander reminded him, "your hardly alone in that respect."

**Bellatrix looked uncomfortable with how sexist Ron was.**

"She's made _Bellatrix_ the lesser evil?" Sirius asked in astonishment, "this is a woman who was a murderer by age eight!"

**"We know you're really Harry Potter, Crystal!" Lucius said.**

"Yeah, thanks to that idiot Lockhart." Ginny said.

**"Draco, kill her and join us or die!"**

**Draco looked like he didn't know what to do. I saw tears welling up in his beautiful eyes. He wouldn't kill me, would he?**

"If there was money involved, then probably." Pansy said. Draco looked like he wanted to slap her.

"That's the end of the story," Umbridge said, glad that it could no longer mock her, "off to your common rooms."

Sirius went to the Muggle Studies classroom, where he saw Lupin moving desk away while replacing them with a comfortable sofa with an office chair in front of them, while holdding a pen and clipboard. "Moony, what are you doing?"

Lupin looked irritated. "Well, a certain dog while arguing with a certain potion's master mentioned a certain werewolf was a certified therapist. So, the potion's master assigned this werewolf to give relationship counseling in exchange for a stronger Wolfsbane Potion."

"So, Snape is bribing you?" Sirius said, "bastard!"

"Oh, don't blame Severus. You're the one that shot of the mouth. Again, I might add."

Sirius gave a tired sigh. "I'm sorry, Moony. What couple are you seeing?"

"Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy," Lupin said in disgust, "it's a pure nightmare!"

Sirius frowned. "They aren't cooperative?"

"Oh, they're cooperating. That's the damn problem!" Lupin cried, "they're way too open! They seem to think counseling is a way for them to share all there sexual fantasies without being shamed. And Draco has one perverse mind." Lupin shuddered.

"What does he tell you?" a curious Sirius said.

Lupin shook his head. "Confidential."

"Come on, Moony," Sirius pleaded, "I won't tell, just give occasional innuendo towards him."

"No way. Hearing it from him is bad enough. What did you want to tell me?"

"The Blood Quill!" Sirius said

Lupin scoffed. "Ah, yes, the story. What a pile of rubbish."

"I know that. But didn't you see the way Harry and Umbridge where looking at each other?"

Lupin shook his head. "No, Dolores Umbridge and I spend as little time together as possible. No doubt the woman loathes I am a werewolf"

Sirius expression became dark. "Her face was pure anxiety. Moony, I think that she's actually using a Blood Quill on students!"

Lupin dropped his clipboard. "Merlin, please tell me your joking!"

Sirius shook his head. "I'm fairly certain she is, though I have no proof."

Lupin looked appalled. "That's been classified as torture! That was outlawed by every nation millenniums ago!"

"Yes, because we all know how much Umbridge respects human rights," Sirius deadpanned, "think about it, Moony. The Order is doing_ nothing_ at this point except dread about_ Becoming Female_."

Lupin hesitated. "Dumbledore likes to hold meetings with the other teachers when you and Umbridge are gone."

Sirius was livid. "So they think I'm no better than her?"

"I don't know what they think," Lupin said, "they probably share Molly Weasley's opinion of you. Of course, nothing important is ever brought up. They just dread about_ Venus god_ until she returns. However, I digged up some dirt on Umbridge myself."

Sirius's eyebrows rose in shock. "What did you find?"

"Umbridge kidnapped McGonagall."

Sirius rose from the sofa in shock. "What?"

Lupin nodded gravely. "Hermione Granger told me that she was on the map as in a trunk in McGonagall's office at all times, day and night. Naturally, I told the Order but they didn't seem interested. So, I wound up talking to some house-elves and it turns out that Winky pretended to be McGonagall until she hit Finnegan and Umbridge had to think up a new plan."

"She's still in the trunk, then, while Dumbles does nothing?" Sirius asked.

"I have no idea where she is," Lupin said in dismay, "The DA believes that she is because of the trunk because of the map. But Dobby told me that he and three other elves personally saw her corpse burned to a crisp by Umbridge. Yet, at the last full moon, several wolves told me that they watched McGonagall swim across the lake to flee, and they are an honest race. She remains on the map after both incidents."

Sirius frowned, puzzled at the mystery of McGonagall's whereabouts. "What the hell is going on?"

"I have no idea. Harry wanted to raid Umbridge's office with a joint DA-Order invasion-"

Sirius smiled. "That sounds like him."

"-but I pretended I didn't believe him."

"What! Why?!"

"The Order won't do anything that openly declares war on Umbridge," Lupin explained, "they want it to be her that makes the first move."

"That's rubbish! She's already brainwashed 97 percent of the school with that story! She has to go _now_!"

"Padfoot, Dumbledore-"

"Will be hearing from me today!" Sirius said boldly.

"Padfoot, don't just barge in there!" Lupin begged, "they already have a low opinion of you!"

"The time for waiting is way past Moony! If you'll excuse me, I have an indecisive Headmaster to speak with!" Sirius stormed out.

"Padfoot, you fool!" Lupin cried in vain.

Draco and Pansy entered the room. "Were ready." Draco said.

Lupin moaned in pain. Wasn't his day bad enough already with these two?


	15. Chapter 15

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

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_A/N: Today is "Hogwarts Reads Becoming Female" first anniversary. Hard to believe, huh? Hence, it's the perfect time to update. Thanks to all my readers, and especially the thirty-three generous souls that favorited this!_

Cho Chang's face was against the glass of the Knight Bus. With the well-earned retirement of Ernest "Ern" Prang, Stan Shunpike was the new driver of the Knight Bus, while Cho was appointed to fill his place as conductor shortly after her expulsion. The Quibbler had bankrupted due to alledged missed payments (Cho was certain was a plot of Umbridge to punish him for publishing Rita Skeeter's interview with Harry), so she convinced the owners to hire Luna to carry people's luggage onto the bus, while Mr. Lovegood was now a bartender at the Leaky Cauldron.

The Knight Bus was one of the few jobs that didn't require Hogwarts education. While Luna had quickly proven a good fit, Cho had a more difficult time.

The main problem was Shunpike himself. While he had been a decent conductor, he had never driven the bus before, and his driving skills were proving dreadful. Whereas Luna calmly chatted with the riders until they reached a stop, Cho was constantly being tossed into the glass of the bus whenever it stopped. Any attempt by Cho to get Shunpike to not take dangerous turns proved to be a failure. Three times they had just missed large muggle buildings by about a millisecond, to Shunpike's lack of remorse.

Still, despite her frustration, Cho was for the first glad to be out of Hogwarts. Cho felt safer in this erratic bus than anywhere within three feet of Umbridge. Cho figured that Hogwarts was now the most dangerous part of the wizarding world, the exact opposite of what she had believed a year ago. Attempts to contact DA members proved unsuccessful, despite lack of damaging information in their letters. It occurred to Cho Umbridge might be banishing all letters from her and Luna simply out of paranoia.

"Wha' C'hoo doing on that glass?" Stan Shunpike asked.

"You just made a U-turn in a narrow tunnel while I was standing!" Cho explained in exhaustion, "_Why_ did you do that?"

"Know the roads. Besides, the bus can' crash any way. Enchantments."

It was the answer that he gave every time that she hit something.

"Yes, but that doesn't mean that you can't drive better! I'm rather tired of hitting glass!"

Shunpike merely shrugged in response.

Cho made a noise of irritation before turning to Luna who was laughing merrily with an elderly gentlemen over jokes about the Ministry. Cho then looked out the window for a few minutes, where she saw blurs that resembled a city, the bus moving too fast for Cho to even attempt to pinpoint the location.

The elderly man fell asleep, his snores distracting Cho from her daze.

"I tried to send another letter to Hogwarts. No response," Cho informed Luna glumly, "I can't believe so many people like that awful story."

"That's probably because of all the love potion_ Becoming Female_ spews." Luna casually suggested.

Cho was flabbergasted. "What? Love potion?"

Luna nodded and pulled a pair of brightly colored glasses from her pocket. "These glasses detect magical auras. I wore them during one of the chapter readings and saw love potion."

"That's why the story is being easily accepted," Cho said breathlessly, "Of course, nobody would willingly love that story. But why are there a few who hate it?"

"Well, books can only spew so much potion," Luna explained, "so obviously a few would not be effected. Plus the charms protecting Hogwarts assures at least some will hate the story. Of course, the scent of love potion cause people to be somewhat paralyzed even when they aren't totally taken over."

"_That's_ why none of the teachers have stopped Umbridge," Cho realized, "and probably why you didn't tell anyone in the D.A. But why didn't the Auror's detect it?" Cho asked in confusion.

"Love potion isn't classified as Dark Magic by the Ministry. Though it should be," Luna added, "besides, the Auror's are involved in treason anyway. Ever heard of the Rotfang Conspiracy?"

Cho nodded. "Yes. Something about eventual police state measures and mass famine resulting from gum disease?"

"In part, but that's a whole other scheme outside Umbridge."

Cho sat in shock. "Do you think Umbridge knows about the book's love potion?"

"No, she would be even more brutal than she already is if she knew."

"What do we do?"

Luna sighed. "I think it's too late."

"But we can't do nothing!" Cho cried, "Umbridge wants to take over the Ministry!"

"I think she already has," Luna's tone was full of sadness, "Daddy had an article written by somebody who claims that Umbridge put Fudge under the Imperius Curse. The Quibbler was shut down before it could be distributed. The gentlemen who penned the piece was found dead."

Cho looked around the bus in suspicion. "Do you think Umbridge is having us watched?"

"Watching us, blocking our letters. She may even be planning to kill us."

This was not true. Umbridge was blocking their letters, and was debating whether or not she would kil them, but the main thing on Dolores Umbridge's mind at that moment was that filthy half-breed werewolf. Lupin had called a sudden vacation for himself, but nobody knew where he was. She was to obsessed with Lupin to notice the occasional hostile glances Dumbledore and Sirius were giving each other. The screaming match last night had ended with no resolution, but did lead to the disillusion of their friendship.

"We shall read chapter fifteen, which is called**_ Rescue_**."

"As in we'll be rescued from this story?" Ginny asked hopefully.

"I suspect Crystal will be rescued." Harry speculated sadly.

**Author's note: One reviewer think I'm a troll.**

"That explains a great deal." Ron said.

Hermione shook her head. "Trolls are illiterate, and even bad writing requires one bit of intelligence."

**Well, I'm not a troll and don't think I need a lobotomy lol.**

"A what?" Neville asked.

"A lobotomy is a rather gruesome muggle operation on the brain," Hermione explained, "it hasn't been common since the 1970s, though."

Umbridge thought the word "lobotomy" was familiar. Where had she heard that?... Alastor Moony. He used the words after the Auror's read the story.

**You might have thought I'm a troll because of the comedy parts, but notice this is partly a humor fic.**

Fred and George looked in fear. "She thinks this is comedy?"

"Well, at least the bad writing is intentional," Ron said cheerfully, "I mean, it's a bad joke, but at least it's not supposed to be serious."

**Still, the romance and Death Eater stuff is serious.**

Professor Sprout coughed on her pumpkin juice. "The romance is supposed to be serious?" she squeaked in terror.

**Story: "I'll never kill her!" yelled Draco loudly. "I'd rather die!"**

Ginny sighed in disillusion. "I was hoping for a scenario where they both die."

**"Then so be it!" laughed Lucius, holding up his wand. Draco grabbed my hand and we jumped out the broken window together.**

"They committed suicide?" Hermione asked in shock.

Ginny shrugged. "Well, as long as it ends the story."

"There's forty more chapters." Ron reminded her sadly.

**The green light from Lucius' wand just barely missed us.**

"It doesn't matter," Parvati said, "you jumped out the window. You'll die anyway, and quite painfully as well."

**"NO!" screamed Lucius as we got away.**

**Once we were on the ground,**

"They jumped out the window and weren't even injured?" Hermione recapped in irritation.

**a whole bunch of Death Eaters started chasing us!**

"Oh, goodie," Ginny deadpanned, "we're at the 'serious' part of this story now!"

**"You'll never escape now!" laughed Ron as he watched us through the broken window. "Girls can't run very fast," he added because he was sexist.**

Ron groaned in irritation.

**The Death Eaters fired curses at us as we ran towards the Forbidden Forest!**

"Why go there?" Lavander asked in confusion.

**Suddenly, a rope came down in front of us. I looked up to see Sirius and Gilderoy flying on Buckbeak.**

Sirius cursed under his breath. "Write me out of this story."

"That filthy savage beast that bit me in third year?" Draco spat.

"It was your own fault." Harry replied fiercely.

**"Hurry, climb on!" yelled Sirius helpfully.**

Flitwick snickered. "Oh, yes, yelling alone always helps."

**We climbed onto Buckbeak! He started to fly us away from Hogwarts.**

"What an extremely detailed description." Snape sneered.

**"You won't escape that easily, you fools!" said Lucius. He turned into smoke and chased us.**

"Can Lucius really do that?" Pansy asked.

Draco was to stunned by the bad writing to answer. He was fairly sure his father didn't have that ability.

**"Reducto!" said Gilderoy with his wand.**

"_Lockhart_ is who there depending on?" Harry asked.

"They're doomed." Ron said, though he didn't seem upset by the thought.

**The spell hit Lucius and made him fall like when Ginny used it.**

"What do you mean when I used it?" Ginny asked, "I never used _Reducto_ on Lucius Malfoy. I don't think I've ever had to use it at all, come to think of it."

**He didn't die because he landed on Umbridge's dead body and she was so fat that he bounced and landed softly on the ground.**

The toad's face was red with fury while students tried to disguise their laughter as coughing. This '_Venus god_' was clearly out to get her. This better be the last time she was mentioned in this story.

**"NOOOOOO!" shouted Lucius as we flew out of sight.**

"I'm seething with awe." Professor Sprout said sardonically.

**"Where will we go now?" I asked in a worried voice. "I can't go back to the Dursleys as a girl,"**

"Why not?" Harry asked, "they already hate you. You might as well go to Private Drive."

**I said even though I wouldn't have wanted to go there anyway.**

**"We'll take you both to Malfoy Manor," said Sirius.**

"Ew," Sirius said, "I don't want to go there."

**"But my dad lives there and he's trying to kill us!" Draco pointed out.**

**"He'll be wanted by the Ministry by now and so they won't let him go back there," replied Sirius.**

**"Okay," I said.**

"Yes, because the Ministry has a great record at fighting Dark wizards." Hermione said.

"The Ministry does have a excellent record at fighting Dark wizards," Umbridge roared. She actually didn't care if people despised Fudge, but had to seem to be defending him, "in any case, let us read on."

The majority of Hogwarts students cheered and a notable majority sighed. Thirty miles away from the school, Remus Lupin was swimming through a cold and empty lake. His wolf friends insisted that they watched McGonagall swim across the lake, so he would simply have to retrace what supposedly were her steps. The teachers wouldn't find McGonagall, so he would look for her himself.

The lake was hundreds of miles long, and Remus wasn't totally sure where it ended. Despite the unbearable cold, he felt much freer than he had in weeks. No longer was Remus Lupin being paralyzed by the scent of love potion, but he didn't know this and assumed it was because he had taken extra Wolfsbane. Lupin felt determined. He didn't know what it would take to defeat Umbridge, but he was pretty sure the answer was at the end of this lake.

Lupin wondered how Harry was doing without him. He felt awful for fleeing that now-cursed school, because Harry seemed to have nobody strong enough to protect him anymore. Dumbledore had been acting odd the past few months, the DA was divided over the story, and Sirius reckless tendencies had reached a height. This, of course, was due to the potion, but Lupin didn't know this. Yet, he knew he had to find McGonagall, and carried on. Harry was not a stupid child, and hopefully he was be find until Lupin returned.

Lupin just hoped that he had taken enough Wolfsbane to last his journey. Water and werewolves were not a good recipe.

Not even close.


	16. Chapter 16

**THIS ISN'T MINE. This was written by Gilderoy-Hater, but I'm reposting it because it's hilarious.**

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Sirius Black was in his office. Sirius was pouring himself a drink. A very hard, stiff glass of Firewhiskey that would definitely be followed by many more. What an awful week. Dumbledore hated him now, how would they ever work together again. And why the hell did Moony just run off? The Ministry was subpoenaing Sirius to testify at an inquiry on Lupin's disappearance. Dumbledore literally told Sirius that he couldn't care less what happened to him.

And that story. Five students were now in detention for discussing Crystal's hair during class, and accused Sirius of sexism when they were punished-two of the students had been male. Why were they reenacting bad writing? The worst of bad writing. That story wasn't rock bottom. That story wasn't even good enough to be called below rock bottom. Yet nearly all the students loved it.

Pansy Parkinson ran into the Muggle Studies classroom in a fit of rage. "Where's the werewolf?"

"I don't know," Sirius barked, "be sure to tell the Ministry I said that. Go away."

"Well, I have a bit of a problem!" Pansy roared, "Millicent told me she heard Draco say that he loved Astoria! He is probably going to break up with me the next time I see him. What do I do?"

"Celebrate. It's the best day of your life. Your free."

"You just hate Draco!" Pansy snarled.

"Well, yeah," Sirius replied, "who wouldn't?"

Pansy sighed. "I need a drink."

"Well, you've come to the right place," Sirius said, "I have great Firewhiskey. Want to share the wealth?"

Pansy thought for a moment. "Pour me a glass."

Sirius poured Pansy three-fourths of a glass.

"Hold it, there's room for more!"

Sirius increased her glass to nine-tenths full.

"Now that's what I'm talking about," Pansy responded, taking a giant swing of her glass, "Merlin, this stuff is good."

Sirius refilled her glass, then gulped down his own. Two glasses became five, then ten, and by the time the pair agreed to Floo to London to buy another bottle, they completely lost count.

Sirius Black and Pansy Parkinson, suffering the psychical effects of their reckless evening, did not attend Umbridge's reading of chapter sixteen, to her irritation. But the werewolf was still the main thing on Umbridge's mind. Umbridge had just sent Winky to find the half-breed, but Winky assured Umbridge that Lupin, wherever he was, was long gone. It was bad enough he was a half-breed, but if he told the outside world about _Becoming Female_, Umbridge was over.

"Hello, everybody," Umbridge announced, "we shall now read chapter sixteen of Becoming Female. It's called **_Draco's_**** House.**"

"Ew," Ginny responded, "isn't the sttory bad enough without obscene topics?"

**We all arrived at Draco's house on Buckbeak. Narcissa was there.**

Draco sighed. If his father was a idiot in this story, his mother probably would be as well.

**"Welcome home, Draco!" she said motherly.**

**"These are my friends," said Draco, introducing us as we climbed off Buckbeak.**

**"Oh, I know Sirius and Gilderoy," she laughed. "I dated Gilderoy back in wizard college.**

"Wow, Narcissa has really bad taste in men," Lavander observed. Draco feigned an outraged expression, but secretly agreed.

**"Oh, that's Crystal Potter," explained Draco. "She used to be Harry Potter, but then she got turned into a girl by accident." I felt worried that Narcissa might not like me because her husband was a Death Eater.**

"Well, if we're lucky," Ginny said.

"I thought they were trying to keep Crystal's identity a secret," Ron recalled, "but they're telling Mrs. Death Eater?"

"_Venus god_ must not think of Narcissa as a slut," Hermione offered.

**"That's nice," said Narcissa. "Are you dating?"**

**"Yes," said Draco. "She's the only thing that matters to me in the world,**

"Wow, that's really selfish," Hermione noted.

**so if you don't want us together..."**

**"No, it's okay with me!" she said. "Just don't let your father find out."**

**"Well, he's trapped at Hogwarts right now so you don't have to worry about that," said Gilderoy.**

"How is he trapped at Hogwarts?" Pavarti asked, "the castle wasn't barricaded. Ron isn't ordering him to stay. He can leave whenever he wants."

**We all went into the house and went to sleep in beds. The next morning I went downstairs to have breakfast with Draco and everybody. Gilderoy was grilling waffles with cantaloupe.**

"It looks like Draco's house is about to be burned down," Flitwick snickered.

**"Hey," he said.**

**"Hey," I said back in a voice.**

**"Gilderoy's actually quite a good chef," said Narcissa happily.**

"We must have really different taste buds," Sprout piped up, "because on the first day he taught here, I was foolish enough to eat a dinner he prepared. I would say it tasted like a combination of Peeves hair with fried boots, but I'm certain that would taste better than Lockhart's cooking."

**"Yeah, I went into cooking after I couldn't be a professor after that sexist idiot Ron used his wand to accidentally erase my memory on purpose," explained Gilderoy.**

"You can't accidentally erase something on purpose!" Hermione cried, "it's either an accident or intentional!"

**Suddenly, Sirius walked into the room holding the Daily Prophet in his hand.**

"Who would have thought that Black had the intellect to read a newspaper," Snape snarled, "where is that mutt, anyway?"

"It is of no importance, Severus," Dumbledore answered. The Headmaster was still angry with Sirius.

**"I have bad news," he said. "The Death Eaters took over Hogwarts after we left. The dementors are on their side now so the Aurors can't go in to stop them. And they've made Ron the new headmaster!"**

"That is all impossible!" Hermione cried, "first off, there has to be enough Aurors to fight off Dementors. Second, the Ministry's board of governors appoints Head's of Hogwarts, they wouldn't appoint an open Death Eater!"

**"No!" I shouted in shock. "They wouldn't do that!"**

"Wow," Katie Bell said, "I think that's the first sensible thing Crystal's said the entire story."

"I doubt it'll be followed by many more," Neville muttered to himself.

**"I'm afraid they did," said Sirius heavily. "Ron's abolished the houses and he's divided the school between boys and girls.**

"Hmm," Professor Sprout deadpanned, "I wonder if Ron will be, say, sexist, prehaps, with his new authority?"

**The boys get the half with the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, the Quidditch pitch, the library, and the prefects' bath while the girls get the Divination classroom, the kitchens, and the sewing machine room.**

"The school isn't divided between a good half and a bad half!" Hermione said, "those rooms are interconnected. And there's more of the school than those rooms!"

"Why the Divination classroom?" Daphne Greengrass wondered out loud.

"Maybe it a room where we can put foundation in our braids," Ginny suggested.

**"That's sexist!" I yelled.**

"Is it indeed?" Fred asked, "I would never have guessed."

**"Yeah," said Sirius sadly. "He's so sexist that he's forbidden girls from even doing their own writing. He goes around shouting 'STOP WRITING' over and over again because he's brain damaged and he needs a lobotomy."**

Ginny chuckled. "What? That's the weirdest thing she's wrote so far."

"And it makes no sense. A lobotomy would make him_ more_ brain damaged," Hermione pointed out.

**"It's actually quite sad," I admitted. "If he weren't so sexist, I'd almost feel sorry for him."**

"Almost feel sorry?" Astoria repeated, oblivious to the adoring look Draco was giving her, "So even if he _wasn't_ sexist she wouldn't feel sorry for him?"

**"Yeah," Sirius repeated. "Anyway, Ginny's come to stay with us because Ron expelled her as well as all the girls who aren't hot."**

"That's all in the Daily Prophet and nobody cares?" Ginny asked, "and how would I know everybody went to Malfoy Manor? Crystal pretty much left me for dead."

**Ginny walked in the room looking miserable.**

"Of course I'm miserable," Ginny said, "I moved in with Crystal and Malfoy."

"And Lockhart," Hermione added.

Ginny groaned. "I forgot about him."

**"I can't believe I'm related to that sexist monster," said Ginny, almost on the verge of tears.**

"Don't I have my own house to live in?" Ginny asked, "or are Ron and I the only Weasley's left?"

**"Hey, it's okay," I told her. "We'll go shopping and everything will be better."**

"What?" Flitwick asked in shock, "shopping won't do a thing? Did she actually say that?"

**"Yeah, let's do that!" she said cheerfully. We ran out the door together!**

Ginny ran out of her seat. "Excuse me, I have to go to the Hospital Wing."

"Wait for me," Professor Sprout said, following Ginny.

* * *

**Unfortunately, this is all that was written before the story got deleted.**


End file.
